Sometimes I think my brain is out to kill me.

It tells me things like:

• “You don’t matter”
• “You suck!”
• “Go ahead and drink, no one will know – or care.”
• “You’re always going to feel like this.”

In other words, it defies logic. My brain has a mind of its own, and it doesn’t always make sense. Maybe more than most.

But because I’m in DBT right now, and because my depression has lifted quite a bit since last fall though TMS treatments, I’m able to catch the nonsensical, negative thoughts these days. Sometimes.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THINKING AND FEELING

It took me a whole lot of years to even begin to understand that there’s a difference between what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling. Therapists would ask me, “What are you feeling right now?” and I’d come back with a thought. “I think…”

At some point in the recent past, though, I started to figure it out. I now make it a point to answer a feeling question with a feeling answer. “What are you feeling right now?” gets a response like “I feel anxious” or sad, or angry.

I’m sure it has to do with one of the most useful things I’ve learned in DBT: That a thought is just a thought; no more, no less.

Of course, it follows that a feeling is just a feeling, that you don’t have to ruminate about it or judge it or attach to it for hours or days or weeks. Just let it be there – don’t let it take over your brain. But I haven’t quite reached that level of enlightenment yet. In DBT, they tell us that you don’t have to be hijacked by your feelings – just acknowledge them and then let them go. Yeah, that’s easier said than done!

But the same holds true for thoughts, and I do find that useful. If my brain sends me a thought like, “You are just a waste of space,” I realize now that I don’t have to ride that train. I don’t have to hang onto it or judge myself for it. I don’t have to believe it. It actually is possible to see a thought like that for what it is – just a string of words, neither inherently “good” nor “bad”.

It’s really a pretty basic concept, but it’s very hard to execute. “Simple, but not easy.”

I’m a thinker. So much so that I over-think lots of things (okay, most things). A lot of people call it analysis paralysis, which I just love.

In a nutshell, I feel my feelings in my body – a knot in the stomach, a headache, shakiness, rapid heartbeat, feeling really hot, etc. Thoughts, though, just live in my head. How I react to them depends on how I interpret them and what options I think I have.

REALITY V. BULLSHIT

It’s getting easier for me to tell the difference between a truth and an untruth, but it can still be hard. The problem is when I entertain the untruths too long and allow them to get the best of me.

Here’s a truth that’s hard to swallow: Thoughts just pop into my head. There’s not always a cause or a triggering event for them. Now, we have no control over what pops into our heads; but (arguably) we apparently do have control over what we do with it.

Here’s a concrete example: Sometimes, I have a destructive thought, like “I wish I wasn’t here anymore” or “A drink would make these feelings go away.”

Now, I know in my heart that these thoughts are just the Monster part of me (my depression and addiction) flexing its muscles. And I rarely listen to them because I know they’re bullshit. They come and then they go. I think maybe that’s normal.

But there are times when my brain is caught off-guard and thinks these things are true. When that happens, I can get in trouble. I try to shake it off, only to have it keep coming back. That’s because I have given it some authority. My brain isn’t always able to say, “Wait a minute. That’s a bunch of crap. Get the hell out of my head!”

Instead, the thought lingers, and before I know it, it’s overpowered all my other (true) thoughts. Then I’m stuck ruminating and it becomes an obsession. Without some kind of intervention – talking to someone about it, using some of my DBT skills, finding something positive to keep me busy – it keeps going and going. Kind of like the Energizer Bunny. If there is no intervention, I lose that particular battle.

Fortunately, those self-destructive thoughts don’t come much anymore. And when they do, I have finally found a way to talk them out with someone – my wife, my case manager, my therapist, a good friend.

Thank God, too. I hate being held hostage by my thoughts.

Here’s another truth: The reality is that I’m a good person. I’m kind, I try to help people, and I try to be friendly (unless I’m in a dark place). I know this about myself.

The bullshit is when my brain tells me that I’m not good enough – I should be nicer to people, I should have helped this person (even if I don’t have the resources to). I *should* all over myself.

Mostly through DBT, I’m learning not to judge myself like that anymore. Or, if I do, I call bullshit on myself. Again, it can be difficult to determine what’s true and what’s not, but it is possible. And the more you do it, the easier it becomes. You’re replacing an old, negative habit with a new, positive one.

OLD ROADS AND NEW ROADS

I had a bumper sticker on my old car, Thor, that read: “Don’t Believe Everything You Think.”

Truer words were never spoken (or written).

Like I said, my brain has a mind of its own, and sometimes it lies to me. Why? Well, I don’t really know how or why it started, and I’m not really sure it matters now. What’s important is that I know this and am finally willing – and able – to learn how to deal with it.

After more than 30 years of believing that life sucks and it’s never going to get better and that I may as well be dead, the neural pathways in my brain that encourage this kind of thinking are well-worn. They’re like deep, if familiar, ruts in a dirt road – once you get in them, it’s hard to get out, and boy is it bumpy along the way.

This is the basic premise of something called neuroplasticity, which goes a long way in explaining how repetitive thoughts – whether positive or negative – become automatic. It’s very interesting and makes a lot of sense to me. (Note: I tried to find an article that explains neuroplasticity in a way that’s actually understandable, but couldn’t find one. Feel free to Google it!)

Fortunately, we can build new pathways in our brains, ones that veer toward the positive. It goes right back to that habit of thinking differently. And the less I tell myself that I suck, the more that bumpy road becomes unused – and unusable. That leaves me with a different road to take, one that leads where I actually want to go.

God, I hope that made sense. I’ve never tried to explain neuroplasticity before.

All I know is, it’s a lot easier to live a satisfying life when you’re not telling yourself a bunch of lies. Thoughts can be dangerous if they’re in the hands of someone who hasn’t yet learned some skills or positive coping mechanisms to deal with them.

So don’t let them sweep you away. The next time you catch your brain telling you a lie, call bullshit on it. It just might make your day, or at least this one moment, a little brighter.