I’ve started this post so many times, I can’t count them all, lol. I feel the need to talk about a science-based theory called neuroplasticity, and even though it’s a simple concept, it’s hard to explain. I will try my best.

If you’ve been reading the Keepin’ it Real blog for any amount of time, you know I suffered greatly from major depressive disorder (MDD) for more than 30 years. I was suicidal much of that time and endured a grand total of 15 psych unit admissions during the last 15 years of my struggles.

You also know that my MDD has been in remission for a little more than three years now. What does that mean for you?

It means there is hope.

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

I used to think I was broken, damaged, and unlovable (not to mention just plain weird) because I was always so depressed. But that began to change, very gradually and over manymanymany years, after meeting others who were going through the same thing. The big takeaway was that I wasn’t alone.

But knowing that didn’t, by itself, help my depression get better. In fact, after decades of serious suffering and trying med after med and treatment after treatment, it seemed like it was going to last until the day I died.

I’ve been ruled by negative thoughts, beliefs, and emotions almost all my 54 years. Naturally, then, I thought I was destined to repeat these same negative patterns for the rest of my life.

My interests were not interesting anymore. Nothing I did made me feel better. Obviously, then, all of my depression must have been my fault. I thought, I am doing this to myself.

Wasn’t I?

Somehow, I’ve never completely given up, though it has been extremely tempting at times. I’ve also stuck with therapy for much of the last 40 years. I thought I knew everything about depression, and certainly, I was an expert on myself.

But then, in the late-2000s, my therapist, the wonderful Ya’el, taught me about a scientific concept I hadn’t known about. And it planted the seeds of my recovery.

NEUROPLASTICITY

Simply put, plasticity means something can be shaped, molded, or altered. Neuroplasticity is your brain’s ability to change or adapt over time. If you continually think negative things, your brain creates pathways and your negative thoughts keep going. It’s like a loop. Very efficient. By the same token, if you put positive thoughts into your brain, positive things come out of it.

Garbage in, garbage out. Good stuff in, good stuff out.

Of course, it’s not that simple. Nothing good ever is. BUT what it does mean is that, even though you’ve been having negative thoughts for weeks, months, years, decades, you have the power to change the way your brain acts.

That’s right – despite believing you will never feel good again, you are NOT destined to repeat thinking and feeling negatively about yourself. You are not a piece of shit. You are not doomed.

Never did I expect to find out that I actually have the power to challenge my shitty thoughts, beliefs, and emotions, but I do. And you know what? That means you do, too! Isn’t that fantastic?

Here’s the deal: Once your brain starts telling you how much you suck and how it’s never going to get better and you may as well just throw in the towel – the minute that shit starts, it begins to create actual, physical pathways in your brain that direct your future thoughts.

The good news is that, just like negative thought patterns get ingrained in our brains, so can positive thought patterns.

This action of being able to change the pathways in your brains by changing what you put into it is what neuroplasticity is all about, and it’s an amazing concept. It means our thoughts – whether positive or negative – are destined to continue on the same path unless we actively work to, well, outsmart ourselves.

Or at least outsmart our brains.

I learned about this phenomenon about 15 years ago; Ya’el and I talked about it quite a bit. Still, it can be a difficult concept to understand. And, strangely, it can be hard to accept the fact that we have the power to change our thoughts.

If it were simply a matter of thinking happy thoughts, wouldn’t we all be doing it? When you have no-good, depressing, terrible, intrusive thoughts day after day, it’s really hard to come to terms with the fact that we actually have control over changing them.

When I learned that, it made me feel like I was “choosing” to be depressed – which, obviously, couldn’t have been further from the truth. I had to roll that idea around in my head for quite a while before I was able to start working on it.

Nobody had ever told me I could change like that before. I slowly started to realize that maybe I wasn’t doomed, after all. I used to think I had no control over my thoughts. They were just there, in my brain, all the fucking time, and there was nothing I could do about them.

YOU CAN CHANGE HOW YOU THINK > FEEL > ACT

With a lot of hard work, I was able to do something about it. Ya’el taught me about cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and that laid the groundwork for my behavior changes

I started challenging some of my thoughts and beliefs, identifying triggering situations, and rating how angry, anxious, depressed, etc. my negative thoughts made me. I eventually discovered my own power, which is something I never knew I could have.

I did what I could to keep challenging myself and growing, but I was stuck in a rut. My relationship was very difficult to navigate and my living situation was sucking the life out of me. That led to a plateau.

It wasn’t until I started seeing another therapist, the wonderful and amazing Kim, that I really let myself be seen – and heard. Ya’el helped me for many years, but I was mostly in crisis throughout that period. When I started working with Kim, I had enough strength to be really, off-the-charts vulnerable with her. She convinced me to join her dialectical-behavior therapy, or DBT, group.

That’s when things really started changing.

DBT taught me exactly HOW to challenge my thoughts and beliefs. I mean, knowledge is great and all, but what good is it if you have no idea how to use it in your own life?

Finally, things were starting to look up! I had a few ounces of self-confidence and some courage now. I already knew I was resilient – I’d lived this long, after all.

My knowledge and understanding of neuroplasticity allowed me to let a little hope in. The strategies I learned in DBT allowed me to figure out how, when, and why to challenge myself – and that I could challenge myself. I was on a good regimen of psych meds, and I was ready for some big changes.

This was the start I needed to gain control of my thoughts and, therefore, my feelings. I would soon be starting a new-fangled kind of treatment for treatment-resistant depression called TMS, which really got me going on the road to recovery.

If you get nothing else out of this post, know that it is possible to change. You are worth it!

IN A NUTSHELL

1. Change is gradual. Be patient with yourself.
2. Negative thoughts = negative feelings; negative feelings = negative thoughts. It’s a vicious cycle.
3. You have more power than you think! 😊
4. If you change how you react to your thoughts and feelings, it will result in positive behavior patterns. It becomes a habit.
5. If you’re like me and need to know how and why things work, I highly recommend looking into neuroplasticity.
6. You are not a piece of shit!
7. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a good thing to practice. You become mindful of what you’re thinking and how it affects you.
8. DBT is also very helpful. I wouldn’t be where I am today without it.
9. While you’re researching neuroplasticity, why don’t you also take a look at TMS? It might be able to help you where nothing else has.
10. Don’t give in to your negative brain! Challenge your brain to be nicer to you. 😊

Thanks for sticking with me, Warrior. I know my publishing schedule is haphazard right now, and I really appreciate you putting up with that. Take care of yourself!