I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself, though most people would never know it. I walk with my head held high, a nonchalant attitude, and like I belong wherever I am. But my swagger betrays my real feelings. I used to pride myself on being very hard to read. I was able to fool most of the people most of the time, therefore eliminating feelings of vulnerability (kind of, but not really). Until the last ten years or…
Some of us are more fragile than others; or at least, we feel that way. Others even treat us that way sometimes. For a long time, I was unable to identify my triggers for depression or wanting to drink or use. And then, someone along my journey suggested I make a “Safety Plan”. What is a Safety Plan? It’s whatever you need it to be. It’s a way to feel like you’re being proactive. It’s a way to give yourself…
If you’ve been following my journey over the last year, you know that I haven’t been able to work since my ECT treatments in 2005. Well, that’s changed. Four or five weeks ago, I went to a “recruiting fair” (in quotes because there were only 4 people there) for a gig scoring standardized tests. Two weeks ago, they contacted me and offered me (and 79 others) a three-week project. I took it. MY NEW GIG So, I’ve been attempting, half-assedly,…
Finding a good doctor can be difficult. Finding a good pdoc (psychiatrist) even more so. Once, while I was in a psych unit, the doctor there told me that my wife “would end up in a nursing home” because she has MS. I cannot tell you how much that upset me – and her! MS is not a death sentence, nor does everyone end up in a wheelchair needing care 24/7. I saw him once at his office after I…
I haven’t been feeling that hot lately. After doing so well for so long (by my standards, anyway), this is a let-down. This is a dangerous time for me. This is when my depression tells me that it’s “all down from here.” It says, “No one gives a shit.” Mostly, it says, “It doesn’t matter.” That last one is a doozy. Because when nothing matters, nothing matters. That’s when I’m prone to drink or use or stop doing the things…
45 Things To Do Sober The original title of this piece was “45 Things to do When You’re Broke, Depressed, and Trying to Stay Sober.” But I thought that was a little long. Being broke, depressed, or trying to stay sober are all tough to deal with. Sometimes, you have to white-knuckle it, which really sucks. It’s damn hard. Being all three at once? I don’t wish that on anyone. For this MHM, I thought I’d share with you some…
