I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always know what I’m feeling.

And, as well-versed as I am with depression in general and my own experiences with it in particular, it can still sometimes sneak up on me.

Well, it did.

IT’S BAA-AAACK

I noticed it four days ago, after my experience at the hospital. The day after, I felt okay for a while, but then I started feeling depressed. It wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t the most depressed I’d ever felt, but it was definitely there.

My emotions have been a little up and down since then. Friday (two days ago) was decent; I had a burst of energy that lasted several hours (!) and kept myself busy with household things. But one thing I realized that day was that it’s difficult to find the balance between “keeping busy” and doing too much.

I may have done too much that day.

All weekend, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed. The hole in my heart is back and I’m not interested in doing much of anything, though I try.

I know some of you know what I’m talking about. There’s nothing more depressing than depression! 😉

I ended up sleeping a lot yesterday, partly because I was overwhelmed, partly because I was bored (because I couldn’t figure out which project to work on), and partly to escape. And, though I need the sleep, I know that I was using it as a coping mechanism, which – while harmless – does me no good.

I am determined not to sleep today away. Currently, it is 9:00 a.m. I’ve been awake since 7:30, after getting almost seven hours of sleep. That’s pretty good for me.

There are two errands I need to run (which can be exhausting in themselves), and I’m in the middle of a large project organizing our bedroom. It seems that it takes more than two years to finish moving into a place.

THE DIFFICULTY WITH “KEEPING BUSY”

Today is Sunday, so I can’t make any of the phone calls I’ve been avoiding (whew!). But I can do some other things. In no particular order, this is what I want to accomplish today: Run my errands. Vacuum. Do one load of laundry. Get back to working on the bedroom. Read for enjoyment.

Now, I may not get all of that done. And that would be okay. Looking at it right now, it seems like an awful lot, whether you think so or not.

Which brings me to a point I’d like to make: Depressed people are not lazy. We work our asses off to stay alive, hopeful, and get better. And believe me, that’s a fucking full-time job.

When I tell someone that I don’t work, they often respond with a comment like, “That must be nice.” Well, you know what? It’s not. I’d much rather trade your job for my depression any day of the week. I worked long enough and hard enough to earn the credits needed to receive Social Security Disability (it’s NOT an “entitlement”, it’s something I paid into while working), but that’s hardly enough to live on. YOU try it and we’ll see how long you last.

*Rant over*

It is disheartening to want to do something – whether that’s get a job, clean the house, play with the kids, or feed the cats – and not be able to. Depression is a disease that constantly reminds you that you have it. Everything is a battle on those days.

Well, I don’t feel like battling today. It takes a lot of energy to fight. My plan is to just “do” and try not to think too much. And also to remind myself that “a thought is just a thought and a feeling is just a feeling,” as I learned in DBT. They can’t actually hurt me unless I entertain them and ruminate.

A SHORT RUN-DOWN OF MY MENTAL HEALTH PLAN

So, my mental health clinic squeezed me in tomorrow morning to see my psychiatrist at 9:45. If we agree to do TMS again (which is what I’m expecting), my first session will be at 10:15. From then on, it would be at 10:15 for the next 20 to 30 work days. It’s worked like a charm the previous three times, so I expect it to work again.

Thank God for Hope.

I have a therapy appointment Tuesday morning and an appointment with my case manager, Sierra, Tuesday afternoon.

That should be enough to jump-start my feeling better.

I’m making this post short today so I can get it out there. I just want to let you know that I appreciate all the support and comments on my Facebook page. It’s just what I need right now. And I thought you deserved a follow-up so you know I’m still here, depression be damned.

IN A NUTSHELL…

1. Take care of yourself.
2. Never, never, never give up (~ Winston Churchill~)
3. Contact me if you need to.