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I often think of myself as lazy. This is not at all helpful.

Do you do the same thing?

I know better; I know I’m not lazy. I have good days and bad days, like everyone else. Some days, I have more energy than others. But I judge myself harshly for not getting “enough” done most days.

LAZY V. DEPRESSED

For many people with depression, one of our biggest symptoms is low energy. You know, loss of interest in social activities, sleeping a lot, not feeling motivated to do things. It’s an awful place to be.

On the outside, it may look to some like I’m being lazy, but I’m not. I have depression. BIG difference.

It’s one of the reasons I haven’t been able to hold down a job in almost 14 years; sure, I get out of bed in the mornings, but I almost always have to lie down for a nap just a few hours later (and sometimes again later in the day). Inertia has power over me. Let me tell you, trying to tell yourself that everything will work out when you can’t even hold down a job is a task.

So, I’ve been exhausted for about a month now. It doesn’t help that sleep and I have a long, sordid history together. I’ve only been getting 4 or 5 hours most nights, which might be fine for some, but isn’t enough for me.

The truth of it is, I wear myself down. In addition to taking care of my own stuff, I also do a lot for CeAnne (who has MS) and for her mom (did you forget she lives with us?). And I run the errands and go to the appointments for all three of us. That’s a lot to deal with, and I am, simply, exhausted. The worst part is that when I’m like this, I get cranky and impatient.

So, no, I’m not actually lazy. I have to tell myself this on a regular basis. I do what I can – beyond what I think I can some days. Sometimes I’m too tired to feed the cats, but they get fed eventually. For Pete’s sake, sometimes, I’m too tired to shower or feed myself! (Who is Pete, anyway? I’ve always wondered…)

If you were to walk into our condo and take in the sight, you would think I’m the worst housekeeper there is. There are papers everywhere, miscellaneous items sitting around, and the carpet could use a good vacuuming. And no flat surface is safe – they all become a place to set yesterday’s mail or some such thing.

That’s because I choose to use what energy I do have to fight the good fight. I can’t concern myself with “but the house is a mess!” When I do have energy, I do what I can and that’s all I can do.

This is one reason I also haven’t been writing as many posts as usual. I love to write, and once I get going, I keep going (most of the time), but my brain is like oatmeal. It’s overwhelming to even think about finishing this post right now.

OVERWHELM SUCKS

Do you get overwhelmed a lot? Sucks, doesn’t it?

This would be a great place to add some tips on how not to get so overwhelmed, but honestly, they don’t work for me, and I won’t share things with you if I don’t think they have merit.

What would help me is less stress. I suspect that would help a lot of us. Sometimes, you get to the point where nothing else helps. Sure, I could get more sleep (okay, that might help), but other than that, I’ve got nothing.

Here are some of the usual suggestions for keeping your energy up:

• Get regular sleep
• Eating healthy
• Exercise

Wait, I’m sorry, does that say exercise? “You just need to move more” is hardly a helpful prescription for depressive exhaustion. People who say things like that don’t seem to understand that it’s all I can do to fix something to eat, take a shower, roll out of bed in the morning, run an errand, etc.

I don’t know about you, but I need to get a handle on this stuff. Surely, there’s a way to live with less stress and feel better on a daily basis, right?

Anyone?

I once went through a period of exhaustion that lasted roughly five years at one point, and believe me, it was tough. I would go to my doctor whenever it got to be too much and she would do test after test and – nothing. There was never anything wrong with my bloodwork or anything. Not that I was wishing for an illness, mind you. I just wanted to know how to fix myself.

It took me that long to figure out that it was all due to stress. How does a doctor write out a prescription for less stress? (Actually, my previous shrink once wrote out a prescription for me to get a motorcycle! 😉 )

FALLING THROUGH THE CRACKS

I’ve tried to get some help in the house and with errands, to no avail. Over the last several years, I’ve attempted to get a home health nurse for my mother-in-law (twice), but she makes just enough from her Social Security that she would have to pay for services.

I’ve looked into every social program I know of, and that’s saying something. We don’t qualify because we are too far over the federal poverty guidelines – although all three of us live paycheck-to-paycheck. There is nothing left over to pay for help.

I do have a case manager, Sierra. We’re currently in the process of contacting more places that may be able to help. I’m not very hopeful, because why would I be? But there has GOT to be some person or agency out there that will work with us.

Falling through the cracks is not a fun place to be. Do you know what the federal poverty guidelines are? It’s ridiculous! How they expect anyone to be able to survive on so little – especially families with children – is beyond me. But that’s the system we have.

Well, enough is enough. I won’t rest until I find someone who can help us out. I am tired of falling through the cracks! Kim, my wonderful therapist, suggested that I look up volunteer programs. There are people out there who want nothing more than to help others, and with a lot of research and a maybe a little luck, I’ll find someone who can help us.

One can only live with overwhelm and high stress for so long. Eventually, something will give. Hell, yesterday, I felt like I was going to physically collapse. I don’t want that to happen. It’s already gone too far, and I need to get my ass in gear and find a solution.

ANYWAY…

Sorry, I didn’t intend for this post to sound negative. I’m just so tired. This I know to be true: If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else. But what do you do when you’re the only one around? Say “No” to everyone’s requests?

Maybe. Maybe that is the answer. I suspect, though, that saying no some of the time would be good enough. I can’t say no all the time; I’m a caregiver by nature.

What do you do when it gets to be too much? Any suggestions are welcome.

Thanks for reading and Keep it Real, Warriors.