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I started a temp job this week.

If you’ve been following my journey, you know that I hadn’t been able to work since I had ECT in 2005 until last spring, when I found a temporary (seasonal) part-time job. Well, it’s that season again, so I’m doing the same kind of work as I did last spring – scoring questions from standardized tests taken by students in grades 1-12.

That’s a good thing, because I really liked it. My co-workers were great, the team leads were great, I didn’t even mind the evening hours. When they contacted me at the end of last year to come back, I only hesitated because I am a BIG chicken when it comes to driving in snow. But I decided to bite the bullet and say yes.

MY LONG HIATUS FROM WORK

How did I suddenly become able to work last year, after 13 years of not being able to? Well, first off, it wasn’t sudden. Periodically over that time, I would get the itch to work again, but I always looked at full-time positions in the social services field (my former career). But I would check with my wife to see what she thought, and we would eventually arrive at the conclusion that the stress inherent in social services wouldn’t be good for my depression or my anxiety.

That would always burst my bubble a little bit. I know that full-time work is out of the question for me. In order for me to continue doing okay, I can’t push it. Full-time work puts me way off-balance and I end up having a breakdown. Even stressful part-time jobs are too much for me.

I know what you’re thinking: Why would anyone freak out because of a simple part-time job?

Easy. I blame it on the ECT I had done in 2005. It fucked up my cognitive abilities, including (but not limited to) my memory (especially my immediate memory), my ability to stay organized, the ability to comprehend spoken instructions or things I read, and the ability to retain what I’ve heard and/or read. Trust me, this is not an all-inclusive list.

And because of my history of lengthy (read: years-long) major depressive episodes, working has just been out of the question. Until last year.

The only reason I’m able to work at all is because of TMS. I’ve written about this treatment before, and if you suffer from chronic depression, I urge you to look into it. TMS puts my head back above water, so to speak, and makes it possible for me to do things I couldn’t do before. It takes away much of my depression (for about 6-8 months), which makes me more confident and self-assured and also clears up my thinking and focus. TMS has, quite literally, changed the course of my life.

This allows me to consider that maybe I do, indeed, have a future and can set goals. Do you know how devastating it is to not be able to support yourself or your family? Or worry that if you do accept a job (whether full- or part-time, high- or low-stress), that you’ll end up having to quit because you can’t handle it?

Commitments are hard for me, especially when it comes to getting a job or taking a class. I used to think, “What if I have another episode? What if I have to keep missing days because I can hardly get out of bed? What if I need to be hospitalized again? What if I need to take time off for some kind of treatment? What if I freak out at work (or school) because of the stress or the overwhelm?” It is very hard to convince yourself that you can work or go to school with all of those very real possibilities looming like a black cloud over you.

STRESS, DEPRESSION, AND REASONABLE ACCOMMODATIONS

Right now, I’m feeling okay. Not great necessarily, but okay. And that’s a good sign.

Still, I just took the PHQ-9, a screening test for depression, and scored in the “moderately depressed” range. So, even though I feel reasonably okay, I’m still depressed. But I’ll tell you, it’s such a blessing to not be “severely depressed”, that “moderately depressed” feels like a relief.

If you live with depression, you know what I mean.

Fortunately, my job is low-stress. It’s a data entry position and there are about 30 of us in my group, so it’s not like I’m stuck at a desk the whole time by myself. We’re all in one big room and we share workspaces. My new space-sharing neighbor is Ann, and she is very nice. She even has a great sense of humor, which goes a long way in helping me feel comfortable.

A couple days ago, we were training on a question and I just couldn’t get it. The project leader, Colleen (who is pretty awesome), was going way too fast for my brain to be able to follow. I tried taking notes but quickly got behind – and then I was lost.

So, I took her aside after our break and let her know that I had experienced a TBI (traumatic brain injury, from the ECT) as the result of a medical procedure and was having a really hard time catching on. I have to say, she was great. She listened, showed compassion, and told me that they may be able to make a “reasonable accommodation” for me.

Last night when I went to work, she pulled me aside and told me about an accommodation they were able to make on my behalf. They are going to try and assign two of the questions to me and route the third question to everyone else. We’ll see how it works out, but I am pretty confident in my ability to handle the first two questions.

**Side note: It is totally up to you to tell or not tell an employer or prospective employer about your condition and any reasonable accommodations you might need. Some people would rather drop dead than intimate that they have an issue that gets in the way of their ability to perform; others take a chance and share their difficulties with their bosses and find a work-around. You don’t even have to give a lot of detail; Colleen has no idea that I have a mental illness (two, actually). She just wants me to be able to contribute to the team’s effort and feel good doing it.**

For me, the secret to finding a job I can handle without having a meltdown is the low-stress part. ECT had a hand in greatly diminishing my stress tolerance. But in this job, we know exactly what’s expected of us, they train us fairly thoroughly on each question we’re scoring, and we get a lot of feedback on how we’re doing. We can get up as needed and use the restroom, get some free coffee or a (not free) snack, or just walk down the hall to stretch our legs. I don’t feel chained to the desk, which really helps.

WHAT’S IN STORE?

Because of my success at holding down this part-time gig last year and, I’m assuming, this year too, I am actively looking for a permanent part-time job. It’s proving harder than I thought, though, as the vast majority of jobs I find are either full-time or they’re part-time with a tremendous amount of responsibility.

It’s amazing what employers think they can pile on a person in just 20 hours a week, eh?

Since I’m a writer, I’ve been looking for writing jobs as well as data entry positions. And, although we need the money, I have to be picky. For instance, my searches need to stay close to home because of the intense anxiety I get when driving in the winter and the stress of a long commute in city traffic. That certainly limits the possibilities.

I always consider remote (work from home) jobs, but I’m honestly not sure how well that would work. I don’t have the best self-discipline, and I get interrupted a lot at home. But since I’ve been isolating a lot the last few years, part of me also misses interacting with others. If I could find an office job close to home that won’t test my stress tolerance, I would be in heaven. (Wouldn’t we all?) 🙂

For now, though, I will continue to work hard to be a productive member of my team and continue writing. (This post is the third I’ve started in the last two weeks, and by God, I’m going to finish it!) I am also looking for one-off writing gigs to supplement my income and satiate my desire – and need – to write.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

If you have depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness that could affect your ability to perform at a job, my advice (which I rarely give) is to get proper and effective treatment for your illness(es) so you can stabilize first. Once you feel up to it, start putting yourself out there and telling the world what you have to offer.

Because you DO have something to offer.

I would love to hear about any work or school experiences you’ve had while dealing with a mental health condition. How did it make you feel? Were you able to muster through, or did you have to take a break? Did you receive treatment? Did your employer/school go the extra mile to help, or did you end up having to quit?

Working or schooling through a mental illness is far from easy. There will be ups, there will be downs, there will be good days, and there will be days where you wonder what the hell you got yourself into.

I’m here to tell you that it IS possible to hold down a job or go to school, as long as you are stable enough to perform and it’s the right fit for you. It might take a while to figure out what you can handle, and you may need a reasonable accommodation, but think of it this way: You’ve made it this far – you must be doing something right.

Until next time, Warriors. Keep it Real!