
Catching Depression Early
Photo byĀ Marija ZaricĀ onĀ Unsplash
So, Iām going through something interesting right now.
On the one hand, Iāve been experiencing mood swings for the last couple of weeks. I’ve recently had a couple of REALLY bad anxious days. Yesterday was one of them. Luckily, I had a therapy appointment in the morning, so I attempted to work through it with Kim; unfortunately, I felt just as lousy when I left as when I got there. It was out of hand. I realize now that I was pretty stable before that, despite some bumps here and there.
On the other hand, I actually felt *happy* on Thursday, and today is shaping up to be not so bad, too. Today’s good mood is brought to you because of a mood swing; Thursday’s great mood was different – it was because I had an appointment with my amazing, kick-ass pdoc, Dr. Nelson, and we worked out a plan to keep me moving in the right direction.
WHATāS THE PLAN, STAN?
If youāve read my blog before, you may know that I am a proponent of TMS, a newer, funky kind of treatment for treatment-resistant depression that you can read about here. (You can also read a previous blog post about it here.) You probably also know that Iām on psych meds, and you know that my life has gotten better and more stable since I first started this blog, more than two years ago.
Now, meds are NOT something I recommend messing with unless you and your doctor are on the same page. I stopped taking my meds a few times in the past, and I hate to admit it, but I ended up in the psych unit each time, after only a week or two. So, Iām not about to fuck around with them on my own.
However, after having a great discussion with Dr. Nelson Thursday morning, we agreed on a couple of minor med changes: Heās cutting my Trazodone down from 100 mg/night to 75 mg/night to help with the grogginess I feel in the mornings. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with Trazodone, it is technically a psych drug, but is more often used to help people fall and stay asleep. 100 mg is kind of a low dose.) In addition, Iām going to be taking Propanolol every morning to help with my anxiety, which has also been getting way worse lately. (I already have a script for Propanolol for headaches, but Dr. Nelson says it can be good for anxiety, as well.)
Also, Iāll be starting TMS again in a couple of weeks. It remains to be seen whether weāll do a short round of it or the whole course of treatments; it depends on what my moods do over the next couple of weeks and how intense they become. If I start feeling more and more depressed and my negative thoughts spiral out of control, weāll do the whole shebang. If, on the other hand, it remains as is ā an emotional rollercoaster, yes, but it hasnāt been that terrible (except for yesterday) ā weāll likely do a short course of treatments.
Iām cool with all of that. In fact, I feel hopeful. Not that I was feeling hopeless, but even just knowing thereās a plan to help me feel better makes me, well, feel better. š
It helps that I have very high confidence in TMS. It has helped me when literally nothing else could before, so I know that the probability of it helping keep me on track this time is high. It also helps that I have very high confidence in Dr. Nelson. Iām telling you, heās the shit!
DEPRESSION CAN COME OUT OF NOWHERE
I walked into Dr. Nelsonās office Thursday morning and gave a quick overview of my recent moodiness. When I told him that nothing had happened in my life to cause it, that my circumstances at home and otherwise have been stable, he said, āThatās a good thing. I know how to treat that!ā
I was like, āWhat?ā
He said, āYeah, when depression is caused by life circumstances, thereās less I can do to treat that. But when it comes āout of nowhereā, I know that means itās your brain chemistry [neurotransmitters] acting up. THAT I can do something about.ā
Made sense to me.
And it does make perfect sense. Four years ago, when I was depressed after my oldest brother, Chris, died, I had to go through a grieving process. That takes time. Death is a hard pill to swallow, and until you deal with it, no amount of meds or TMS can change that (in my experience). You just canāt rush the grieving process.
Or if youāre changing jobs, moving, and getting a divorce all at the same time, thatās a shitload of Big Deals happening all at once. Yes, meds and TMS can help you get through it, but all of those circumstances induce some grieving, too. After all, they are all a loss of some sort.
Even a good psychiatrist will tell you that they can only help to some degree; they may even recommend counseling or other types of support. But they will also tell you that it will take time for you to come to terms with your ānew lifeā and with the changes youāve experienced.
That all actually happened in my life about 15 years ago. I moved from California to Minnesota (I know, I know!), got a new job, had to find new friends, etc., all while going through a divorce. It was really hard, and TMS wasnāt available in the States yet, so when it all came to a head the next year (2005), I was a fucking mess. I ended up in the psych unit three times within nine months. Thatās also when I had ECT.
*Fucking ECT.*
Anyway, Dr. Nelson and I talked for about 35 minutes ā a lifetime in the world of psychiatry, but the usual amount of time with him ā where I told him everything that I thought was relevant, and we came up with our game plan.
I have a KICK-ASS support team that backs me up and helps me however they can, and I now have a life I canāt complain too much about.
Since Iāve been feeling so stable for the last several months, it surprised me when, a couple of weeks ago, I realized that I was experiencing some signs of depression. Within four days, I kid you not, I was right back to feeling that hole in my heart. Itās still there right now, right this minute, but not like it was last week.
So, the idea is to nip it in the bud.
A HOLDING PATTERN
The TMS Coordinator is going to give me a call in the next week or so and tell me when I can start the treatments again. Until then, Iām in wait-and-see mode.
Well, maybe not entirely. My eyes are wide open right now. Thatās how I was able to catch this episode early and not be pushed onto my knees in emotional pain, begging for help because I didnāt see it coming.
I still go to therapy weekly, and I know I have Kimās full support. That gives me some relief. And I have all the tools I need to survive until my neurotransmitters are straightened out, so to speak. I just have to use them.
Thatās the hard part.
But I donāt want this to get to the point where I feel that emptiness in my heart all day, every day, deep into my being. So I will use my tools and, hopefully, the depression wonāt get any worse before we blitz it with the TMS.
So, it turns out I donāt have to sit here in seemingly unending emotional pain, wondering when and if I will ever feel better. Iām going to do something about it.
Take that, depression! LOL
No, really, though ā I do know, in both my heart AND my head, that relief is possible. Feeling better is possible. I know Iām NOT going to feel this way indefinitely. I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. (And no, itās not a train!)
I actually feel hopeful about my future (somewhat, anyway) and am excited (WTF!? LOL) to start the treatments. Iām even proud of myself for being able to be present enough to realize that a depressive episode was starting AND for not waiting until it got *bad enough* to deserve treatment.
Does that make any sense? I canāt be the only one whose brain tells them that they have to be in *excruciating* emotional pain before seeking help, can I? I think that, in the past, I believed that I didnāt really deserve to feel better.
No longer, though.
I am determined to make the most of this āwaiting periodā and do the best I can, every moment of every day.
WRAPPING IT UP
Okay, Iād better end this post before it becomes another 1,415 words!
Know this: You and I DO deserve to feel good. We deserve to be happy and we ARE worth it. Yes, even you.
You can make it, I know you can. Hell, if I can survive, so can you. If you donāt feel like youāre making progress in your treatment, look for a different psychiatrist or a different therapist or try a new kind of therapy or some Eastern medicine like acupuncture or whatever. Just do something.
Regardless of what your brain might tell you, you are not helpless.
If youāre not moving forward, youāre standing still. And when you stand still, you can start sliding backward.
So do it. Stop telling yourself that you arenāt worth it or that you donāt deserve to feel better. Do something NOW.
If you need help getting the ball rolling or just want some extra support in your journey, feel free to send me a message at Laura@DepressionWarrior.com. Iām a great listener!
Until next time. Letās Keep it Real out there, folks!
3 thoughts on “Catching Depression Early”
It is a good article, however, fighting and being able to get out of depression is extremely complex without the assistance of professionals and their treatments against this disorder, but it can certainly move forward and achieve what everyone wants, a happy life. It honestly helped me overcome my depression.
Laura,
Great post. I’m glad you are getting help. I too have learned the early signs of my depression and anxiety. I have been on trazadone and it made me very groggy and I had nightmares. I went on a medication called saphris. I’m still groggy in the mornings so I don’t work before 10:30 am, but no more nightmares.
Your posts are very inspiring. I wish you the best of luck. I will email you in a few days.
Aimee
Aimee,
Thanks for the kind words. Being able to nip depression and anxiety in the bud is so worth the effort! I’ve never heard of Saphris – I’ll look it up. I used to take a med for nightmares called Prazosin. It worked really well, only I couldn’t remember the good dreams, either. But if you have a problem with recurrent or constant nightmares, you may want to look into it.
Thanks again for reading. I look forward to your email!
Laura š