Image credit: Scott Graham

 

I recently read a blog post written by another mental health advocate. She stated that it’s basically impossible to change your thoughts or your feelings.

She went on to say that people who think you can change them are just plain wrong.

I take offense to that.

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

There is a difference between knowing something factually and believing that something is true. I’m big on semantics, so to me, the words we use are very important. They should reflect your position accurately, without embellishment and without minimizing anything.

(This is one reason I love writing – it allows me to use exactly the right words at exactly the right moment.)

There is also an important difference between speaking for yourself and speaking for others. It is a fact that I only know for sure what I believe, what I feel, and what I think. I can only guess or assume or believe that I know what others believe, think, and feel.

But that doesn’t make it fact, and it should not be presented as factual.

I learned a long time ago to only speak for myself. It is not fair to generalize a statement, as others may disagree with you for a variety of reasons. Calling them “wrong” is not helpful. Having an open mind and being willing to entertain other points of view is.

The author of the post in question is saying that I am wrong simply because I have had different experiences than her and so I believe something different than she does. This is a sweeping generalization, which could be harmful.

In fact, it’s my experience that I DO have the power to change my thoughts and, therefore, my feelings. But it took decades to get to that point.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

The author takes the stance that CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) cannot teach us to change our thoughts or feelings, no matter how much we practice it. Having worked with a therapist who used CBT for more than nine years, I can say that I disagree.

(There are two important distinctions here: 1.) That author is bipolar, while I have major depressive disorder [although at the time I was going through CBT, we all thought I was bipolar]; and 2.) she speaks directly about CBT and doesn’t address other methods of treatment.)

CBT is a therapeutic method where you write down a negative thought, assign it a percentage (“How much do you believe this statement?”), then find evidence to combat that thought. In so doing, you lessen the impact of that thought. When you finish working through that thought, you assign it a new percentage of how much you believe it.

You also keep track of something they call “hot thoughts,” or “automatic thoughts”, which are negative and get us in trouble. The goal is to change them to something more positive.

Now, I admit that I did not always give CBT much of a chance when I was working with that therapist. We talked about all kinds of things, and she used more than one methodology in her practice.

But I can also say that, for me, CBT was useful. It helped me identify automatic thoughts that I had no idea existed, such as “I am not worthy of love” and “I don’t deserve to feel better.” These thoughts were the equivalent of rolling a small snowball down a large hill until it becomes big enough to make a snowman with.

I thought I had no power over these thoughts; they were automatic, after all. They popped into my head without warning and tainted how I felt about myself.

However, after some practice, I began to realize that there were ways to reflect on these thoughts and see how they damaged my mental health and how they affected my behaviors, such as “learned helplessness” or giving up on something before I even started.

Once you’re able to identify something, you can then decide what to do with it, whether it’s a thought or a behavior. You can even decide to change it.

CBT taught me a few very important things about myself, and I am grateful for it. DBT, though, was much more effective for my recovery.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

I have this theory: We are not necessarily responsible for the things that happen to us. (We only have control over our own actions and no one else’s.) But once you become aware of your issues, it’s your responsibility to take care of them.

Take drinking, for example. When I was a teenager and into adulthood, I was an expert binge drinker. In fact, I called myself an alcoholic. I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to quit drinking unless something terrible happened at my hand.

It was a very destructive method of avoiding my depression, my anxiety, and the rest of reality. I don’t know why I turned to alcohol, and I don’t think I was at fault for it.

BUT – once I realized the damage it was doing, it became my responsibility to do something about it. I talked to a counselor about it and went to support group meetings for a very long time, and I was able to stay sober for most of the next 30 years.

One other thing to note: believing you have no power over your thoughts and/or feelings can be a way to avoid making hard choices and doing the very difficult work of changing yourself.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that’s what the author is doing. I’m not saying anyone is doing that. How could I possibly know? I’m not in your brain! 😊

But I’ve been on both sides of it, and I know for a fact that there were times when it was “easier” to be depressed, feel like shit, and suffer the consequences than it would have been to really get involved in my own recovery and follow the suggestions of my therapists and doctors.

Know what I’m talking about?

AN ALTERNATIVE METHOD OF CREATING CHANGE

My theory of responsibility reminds me of DBT. DBT is a type of therapy whereby you become more familiar with yourself – it teaches you how to figure out exactly how you feel, to learn what your triggers are, and to deal with your issues in healthy and direct ways.

There’s a lot to DBT (the workbook is more than 400 pages) and it’s quite a time commitment. But the results I experienced were worth every minute. And even though I took the class five or six years ago, I still have all the tools it taught me.

I still have all the homework I did, and I still have the workbook, which is filled with scribbles in the margins, underlined sentences, dog-eared pages, starred paragraphs, and my own thoughts. There’s not much white space left in my copy! LOL

Before I finally agreed to do a DBT class (after a decade of saying “No!”), I was stuck. Therapy had certainly helped in some ways (I mostly needed it to manage my emotional distress and work on crises), and CBT helped me become aware of some of my thought patterns.

But, as far as I’m concerned, DBT is where it’s at. DBT is how I learned that I do have the power to change both what I think and, consequently, how I feel. And this has changed my life.

Its four main concerns are:

• Mindfulness skills
• Interpersonal effectiveness skills
• Emotion regulation skills
• Distress tolerance skills

Due to my condition as a severely depressed and anxious person, I spent most of my energy on the distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills, with a side of mindfulness. I thought I had the interpersonal effectiveness skills down pat. (I didn’t, LOL!)

One of the tenets of DBT is that no matter what you’re going through, you always have 5 choices. You can:

1. Solve the problem;
2. Change how you feel;
3. Use radical acceptance to, well, accept what’s going on;
4. Stay miserable; or
5. Make things worse.

This is an interesting way to look at things, I think, and it deserves a closer look. But I’m not going to do that here. After being alive for 53 years (on Black Friday!) and dealing with what I’ve dealt with, I am willing to believe that these five choices are spot on.

Also, during one of my many psychiatric unit stays, the Occupational Therapist said something that I thought was very profound and ultimately true. If I could, I would make this the sixth choice: Even if you can’t make something better, don’t make it worse.

Truer words were never spoken.

WRAPPING IT UP

Many people don’t think you can change what/how you think or feel, and their experience bears that out. They are speaking their truth. But they cannot speak for others.

My experience has shown me that there is a way out of a rut, even if you’re in the throes of severe depression. It’s a lot of hard work, but it beats the hell out of being depressed for another 35 years.

Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is one way to get to know yourself and the way you think. There are specific steps you take to combat your negative thinking, which typically are easier if you have a CBT worksheet to work with.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is another way to dig deep into the crevices of your mind and understand yourself better. It also provides specific, concrete strategies for creating a life worth living.

There are certainly many other treatment modalities, some more scientific than others, that can help us change our thoughts and behaviors, and, therefore, feel better about ourselves.

Is change scary? It can be. But it doesn’t have to be. In the hands of a knowledgeable therapist or practitioner that you trust, you can go from being a Debbie Downer to a Positive Paula.

Never doubt your ability to adapt and make progress.

 

As always, thanks for reading, Warrior. You got this!