Image credit: Michael Dziedzic on unsplash

 

Victim.

That’s how I saw myself for three decades, only I didn’t realize it.

I was a victim of depression and all the negative thoughts, falsehoods, and forces it entails. It grabbed a hold of me, thrashed me around, and spit me out. It nearly killed me – more than once.

I tried to fight it, stuff it, sidestep it, ignore it, deny it, and I constantly tried to work through it. But I just couldn’t fix it.

I felt like an immense failure.

VICTIMHOOD

Strange thing, being a victim. You often don’t see it until you’re on a different path. Others may see it, they may even try to point it out. But it doesn’t usually go down very easily.

Now that my mental health is better and I can look back on my depression, I can see how I perceived myself as – and, at times, acted like – a victim.

Here is the first entry in Merriam-Webster’s definition of victim: “One that is acted on and is usually adversely affected by a force or agent.”

“One that is acted on…”

To me, this indicates someone who has unwittingly fallen prey to something they don’t have control over, be it a thought, a premeditated incident, an accident, or another person. Something is done to you without your permission.

As it turns out, my victimhood was (partially) self-imposed. I felt wholly responsible for my lack of response to the many treatments I tried.

I blamed myself for it all.

But the development of a mood disorder is not caused by one thing, but rather by a perfect storm of risk factors. Nature and nurture.

I never really wondered “why me?” Instead, I figured I deserved it. In the beginning and for a very long time after, I was really pissed about having depression and anxiety. And I struggled with that anger for decades.

But by staying pissed off and remaining a victim, I was preventing myself from moving forward, from working through the issues that created my miserable state of mental health.

I was so distraught for most of those three decades that I spent most of my time putting out fires and dealing with the crises that kept popping up.

I was surviving, but not by much. In fact, I made such little progress in therapy for so long, I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. I wasn’t able to step back far enough from my own skewed vision to see anything other than the damage that had been done.

I had neither the proper perspective nor a big enough toolbox to be able to say, “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Don’t panic. All you need to do is [insert tool here].”

I was doing everything I could to get better. I worked my ass off for years in therapy and during repeated psych unit admissions, only to feel just as bad as I always had.

PERSPECTIVE IS EVERYTHING

After all the hard work I’d put in, to almost no avail, I felt like I was wasting my time. I felt like nothing was ever going to change, and I was frustrated, angry, and hopeless.

That’s a bad spot to be in.

And it definitely colors the way you look at your life. My perspective came from a dark place and left me feeling like nothing I did mattered. I quickly became self-destructive, and I hated myself and my life.

Looking back now, I can see that I had become caught in a vicious cycle. That cycle was a part of my life since the age of 14 until I found out about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) when I was 48. You can read my posts about those treatments here, here, and here.

That’s when my life – and my perspective – finally changed.

Once I started getting TMS treatments, the *heaviness* of my life lifted a bit. The more treatments I had, the better I felt. I was able to smile and laugh more and, for the first time in a long time, I had hope for a future.

The relief I felt enabled me to focus in the DBT classes, where I learned specific tools to use when I felt overwhelmed, angry, ashamed, afraid, guilty – you name it.

My perspective changed from that of a hopeless victim to one where I could work my way toward the light at the end of the tunnel.

And it made all the difference in the world.

I could now see how I had been fearful and had backed down from my depression at the very beginning and watched it take over my entire life. That is not to say that I am responsible for my depression, or for its longevity. I’m not. Neither are you.

I have this theory: I am not responsible for the hand I’m dealt in this life, but once I know what I’m dealing with, then I am responsible for doing what I can about it.

I now have tools at my disposal that have helped me look at some deeply-rooted issues and allowed me to tackle them and move on with my life.

I am no longer a victim. It’s more like I’m my own action hero now! 😊LOL!

MOVING ON

It’s funny how you can see things in others, but not in yourself. In fact, it was after I was discussing victimhood with a friend several years ago that I realized I was playing the victim in my own life.

Believe me, I discussed that revelation with my therapist until I was blue in the face! It was as if the monster that had always blocked my emotional progress was now this tiny little thing, left almost powerless against my newfound confidence, happiness, and positive outlook.

It’s still in there, that little monster. As an old friend used to say, “The monkey’s off my back, but the circus is still in town.” LOL! I need to stay on top of things and I surround myself with healthy, positive people so I don’t slip back down that horrible slope.

Nowadays, it feels like I’m moving forward, and damn, it feels good! Lisa and I are living a life together that is full and satisfying. Our future is looking good.

Life isn’t perfect – I still have the occasional day when I’m at a standstill, where the little monster grabs a hold of me and won’t let go. Days where are all I can do is lay around. But they are very few and very far between.

For the most part, I am able to keep a positive mindset. I have hope for a happy future and I try to enjoy every day as it comes. Once I got out of the rut of negative thinking and calling myself names, my life took off – and now I love it.

So don’t give up. It can happen to you, too. You have to work at it, and you must be persistent, but it will happen. Just keep going.

As always, Warrior, thanks for reading. I hope your day is filled with positive thoughts and supportive people. Keep it real out there! 😊