Image credit: Priscilla Du Preez

 

It’s hard to talk about what’s bothering you, isn’t it?

When my depression first started, around age fourteen, it was bad. Really bad. In fact, I was suicidal. I apparently told my parents how bad I was feeling (I don’t remember doing that), because I soon started seeing a psychologist.

But I wasn’t ready to be “in therapy.” I saw it as a failing, an embarrassment, a sign of weakness, so I didn’t say much. And I was pretty damn tough. I don’t need a therapist – I can handle it myself!

Plus, this psychologist was a guy. I was so uncomfortable with him, I think I only saw him three or four times. In fact, to this day, I always request a female therapist/doctor/etc. I don’t know why; I just don’t feel like I can talk to a male openly.

HOW NOT TO DO IT

When I was a teenager, I had an older female friend who I felt I could talk to, and I did. Constantly. But it was hard. I would pussyfoot around what was bothering me until it was almost time for her to get going, and then finally I would get around to telling her what was on my mind.

That’s all fine and dandy, I guess. I mean, that’s where I was at the time. It was extremely difficult for me to open up about how desperate I was feeling. But it severely limited the amount of time I had to process whatever I was going through. I did not take advantage of the kindness and unconditional love she offered.

I’m also sometimes guilty of giving relative strangers TMI – too much information. My general rule of thumb is that if I think that telling someone about my mental health history or situations I’ve been in will help them somehow, I’ll share it with them.

But – and this is the strange part – sometimes, once I get going, it’s hard to stop. God help the lady in front of me at the grocery store checkout! 😀 LOL!

LET’S TALK ABOUT THERAPY

2020 was so stressful for people that one in six Americans entered therapy for the first time. That’s approximately 16% of the population, or almost 53 million people. And that doesn’t include the 31% who were already in therapy. (You can read more about this here.)

That’s a shitload of people.

But there’s a reason so many people go to talk therapy: it helps. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, for instance, is one popular type of talk therapy. Not only does it help people sort out what’s going on in their lives, but it also stimulates physiological changes in the brain (as do other types of therapy). This can help people with depression change their automatic self-talk from negative to positive.

Unfortunately, though, stigma still exists. And it continues to prevent many people from seeking mental health treatment, especially talk therapy and psychiatric medications.

If you are currently in therapy or looking into it, know this: It’s OKAY to switch therapists if you don’t jibe with the one you’re working with. People do it all the time. And therapists know this; they know that not everybody will be a perfect fit with them. They don’t take it personally.

In fact, any therapist worth their salt will want you to feel better, no matter who you talk to. So, if you’re not 100% comfortable with your therapist or if something feels off-kilter, go ahead and search for another one.

If you’re feeling especially confident, you can even ask your current therapist who she knows that might be a better fit for you. I’ve never done this, but I have stopped seeing a therapist without warning before. Maybe not the best, most mature way to do it, but hey – I’m only human. Conflict scares me to death.

A FEW WORDS ABOUT PSYCH MEDS

Talk therapy is great, but some people need more than that. They may need medication to help jump-start their recovery. This is not a big deal. I’ve been taking psych meds for about ten years now, and I will most likely need to take them for the rest of my life. Hey, if that’s what it takes to keep me from wanting to kill myself, I’m all for it.

Some people who refuse to go to a psychiatrist (psychiatrists have medical degrees and can prescribe medications) will, instead, tell their family physician that they’re feeling depressed. In turn, these doctors often write prescriptions for psychiatric drugs – even though they’re not mental health specialists.

While this may be preferable for some, in my humble opinion, it’s not the best option. Maybe at first, your doctor can prescribe something for your depression or anxiety, but I think it’s best to see someone who specializes in it.

Psychiatrists have so much more relevant training and procedures in place to track your progress. They also have a specialized knowledge of all psychiatric drugs as well as additional types of treatments.

If you do think medication might help your depression, I recommend finding a psychiatrist. They will do an evaluation of you and give you a proper diagnosis, which informs what drugs they prescribe for you. They may also suggest getting into therapy.

THERE’S A WHIRLWIND IN MY HEAD!

But traditional talk therapy isn’t the only way to get your feelings and negative thoughts out of your messy brain. You can talk to a friend or a family member, a spiritual advisor, a teacher or mentor, or a coach. As long as you trust them, you’re good to go.

Once I opened my mind to talking about my depression and sharing my symptoms, I found that I would talk to practically anyone about it, as long as they were willing to listen. That’s what it took to work things out in my brain: lots of talking, trust, and vulnerability.

I have this theory: If there’s a bunch of shit swirling around in your head – worries, negative thoughts, fears, and such – it’s like a whirlwind. But if you can get that shit out of your head, you have the opportunity to sort it out and maybe make some sense of it.

This can take the form of writing it down in a journal or a personal essay or a short story or a song or a poem, or it can mean talking it out. When you get the words out of your head, the whirlwind slows down and it’s not so overwhelming.

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that talking about how terrible I feel non-stop is not a good idea. It brings me down. That’s called rumination, or perseveration. Has that ever happened to you?

Most of the time, all you need to do is say how you’re feeling, try to process it a little with another person, and then move on to a different subject. Otherwise, you’ll find that you’re beating a dead horse (pardon the expression). Then it just keeps going and going and going…until you feel worse than you did when you started.

But Laura, I don’t know what to say. How do I do it?

I know it seems hard – maybe even impossible – but I have found a way to talk about tough subjects that works for me. And it’s pretty simple, really (though not always easy):

Just say it.

That’s right, that’s my secret to getting heavy shit out of my head so it can’t do any more damage. Just say it!

Context is very important, and you might want to give the person you’re talking to a little background regarding your circumstances. I get that. I still sometimes have a tendency to explain the context first, while delaying getting to the point.

But this can be frustrating for the other person, and they may get impatient with you. After all, they just want to help. For this reason – and because it’s so easy to “chicken out,” for lack of a better term – when I have something really scary to say, I just spit it out right away. THEN I give them context.

And can I just say that I’ve never had a really bad encounter as a result of this strategy? I understand that there are some mean people out there, and maybe I’m just good at picking my friends (and therapists). I know there is a possibility that you’ve shared something important with a loved one/friend/whomever and that person has betrayed your trust.

My experience is that, as we get older, we make better, more informed choices about who we hang out with or get involved with. We generally become better judges of character, which makes it a little easier.

What we’re all looking for, I think, is someone who is not going to judge us. And finding that person depends on who we surround ourselves with. It’s imperative to find people who are not going to take advantage of us when we’re emotional and who are good listeners.

No one wants to talk to someone who’s going to try to tell them what to do. (Although, honestly, sometimes I do wish my therapist would tell me what to do. If I have too many options, I get overwhelmed and can’t make any decisions!)

So, choose your friends (and lovers) wisely.

TO RECAP

Talking about your feelings is difficult, but it is so worth it. If I didn’t talk about my shit, my head would explode!

I would feel alone, which is something I can’t afford as a person with depression. That would make me feel more isolated, which would make me feel worse, etc. etc.

If you have a hard time talking about what you’re going through, try this method: Take a deep breath and just say it. Don’t waste time trying to figure out the “best” way to say it; just say it. Speak your truth.

They say the truth will set you free, right? Well, under the right conditions, this is true. Suffering alone is not brave, nor is it cool. And it doesn’t mean you’re tough. Besides, your loved ones don’t want you to suffer.

My first boss, the late, great Chet Wickman, introduced me to this saying: Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

You don’t have to suffer in silence anymore. Talk to someone you trust. Start small if you need to. But there’s no better feeling than knowing that you are not alone.

Thanks for reading, Warrior. Be kind to yourself. And Keep it Real.