I woke up at 6:30 this morning, after about seven hours of sleep. An hour later, I realized that I was feeling down. Please do me the favor of letting me explore this with you. WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY? I don’t know. That’s the wonder of mood disorders. I’ve been feeling pretty good lately – I’ve even done my yoga three mornings in a row and plan on doing it again after I write this. I don’t want…
I’m not sure how to start this post off, so I’ll just dive right into it. You know that I have trouble with feeling worthy, feeling deserving of people’s attention and time. Don’t ask me why this is because I’m not sure. At this point, I don’t even know if it matters (but I sure am curious). Well, something happened this weekend that, in retrospect, gave me a feeling of worth. Let me explain. VISITORS FROM AFAR Four months ago,…
I had a revelation last week. When I get depressed, I feel a hole in my heart, an emptiness. And when I feel anxious, I feel tingly – in a bad way – in the same place. But one day last week, I was sitting on the balcony, minding my own business, when I noticed the absence of the hole and the tinglies. I felt “full.” And it was awesome. It was peace, it was serenity, it was contentment –…
Depression has a way of creeping into my life when I’m not keeping myself busy. You too? I’ve played with different kinds of routines over recent years, and they do help. But damn, they’re hard to stick with! For some reason that I will never understand, I always seem to quit doing the things that help me feel better. OBSTACLES So I get overwhelmed pretty easily. It hasn’t been happening too much lately, but over the last fifteen years or…
We’re going to do something a little different today. Let’s try a little experiment. 🙂 These are some of the words others have used to describe me. Notice if there’s anything these six words have in common: Funny Athlete Smart Compassionate Kind Talented Now here are six words I have often used to describe myself over the years. Do you see a pattern? Worthless Fucked up Incompetent Depressed Inadequate Hopeless Yeah, the difference is pretty glaring, isn’t it? For the…
**In honor of my 52nd post, I thought I would change things up a bit. I had intended this to be a funny-in-an-ironic-sort-of-way post, but I guess I’m not in that kind of mood today. Regardless, I hope you enjoy it. Maybe you can relate?** You Know You’re Depressed When… There are literally billions of web pages and you aren’t interested in any of them. Every little thing gets on your last nerve. Sleep comes when (and if) it…
**T/W – SUICIDAL THOUGHTS** (T/W = Trigger Warning) Well, it’s been about two weeks now, and I’m still feeling depressed. Actually, it’s getting noticeably worse. My fears that it won’t go away on its own (even after discontinuing the Wellbutrin), I’ll have to quit tutoring, and have to do TMS again are all looming on the horizon. Not to mention all the related issues. I have little interest in doing anything; my ability to focus and concentrate have gone…
**Today’s post is a little different. Consider it an Open Letter to those who think depression and other mental illnesses are a choice and that we can just ‘snap out of it’.** Most of my friends are really good people. In fact, that’s a prerequisite if you want to be my friend. They are open-minded, thoughtful, fair-minded, and they don’t judge. (Yes, people like that really do exist!) However, I do occasionally run into someone who is judgmental and…
I was feeling substantially depressed yesterday. Often, when I feel this way, I have no idea why. But this time, there were two culprits: One is that I started on a (very) small dose of Wellbutrin last week to try and curb the sexual side effects that seem to be inherent in anti-depressants, and the other is because I hurt my wife’s feelings late the night before. I was so miserable when I woke up, I canceled two appointments and…
Sometimes, things whirl around in my head like a tornado and they don’t land anywhere. That’s one reason I like to write – I can get the shit out of my head and onto paper, where I can read it over, ponder it, and decide what to do about it. Otherwise, it all just gets sucked into the black hole that is my brain and never leaves. The fun part of these tornadoes is that they can happen at any…
You can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first. At least, that’s what I believe. For instance, I’ve been sick with pneumonia for the last two and a half weeks, which accounts for the lack of posts lately. It’s hard to even breathe and hold a conversation, much less focus on writing. I went to Urgent Care two weeks ago, where I received prescriptions for a Z-Pack, Prednisone, and cough syrup with codeine. And,…
One of the biggest symptoms of depression for me is fatigue. And I don’t mean fatigue in the usual way. I mean, we all feel exhausted every now and then. What I’m talking about is extreme, chronic fatigue. The kind where you go to the doctor repeatedly and they do all kinds of tests on you to see what’s going on – and find nothing out of the ordinary. The kind that prevents you from participating in social activities or…
I’m not sure I know what to write today. A week ago, I was feeling pretty decent. But, for the last four or five days, I’ve felt “down”. That’s what I call it when it’s not just sadness, but it hasn’t met MY criteria for “depression”. And then, today happened. I was okay in the morning; then I had therapy, where I confronted some feelings I’ve been trying to avoid. FYI – avoidance doesn’t work. WHEN IS IT “DEPRESSION”? I…
I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself, though most people would never know it. I walk with my head held high, a nonchalant attitude, and like I belong wherever I am. But my swagger betrays my real feelings. I used to pride myself on being very hard to read. I was able to fool most of the people most of the time, therefore eliminating feelings of vulnerability (kind of, but not really). Until the last ten years or…
Some of us are more fragile than others; or at least, we feel that way. Others even treat us that way sometimes. For a long time, I was unable to identify my triggers for depression or wanting to drink or use. And then, someone along my journey suggested I make a “Safety Plan”. What is a Safety Plan? It’s whatever you need it to be. It’s a way to feel like you’re being proactive. It’s a way to give yourself…
If you’ve been following my journey over the last year, you know that I haven’t been able to work since my ECT treatments in 2005. Well, that’s changed. Four or five weeks ago, I went to a “recruiting fair” (in quotes because there were only 4 people there) for a gig scoring standardized tests. Two weeks ago, they contacted me and offered me (and 79 others) a three-week project. I took it. MY NEW GIG So, I’ve been attempting, half-assedly,…
Finding a good doctor can be difficult. Finding a good pdoc (psychiatrist) even more so. Once, while I was in a psych unit, the doctor there told me that my wife “would end up in a nursing home” because she has MS. I cannot tell you how much that upset me – and her! MS is not a death sentence, nor does everyone end up in a wheelchair needing care 24/7. I saw him once at his office after I…
I haven’t been feeling that hot lately. After doing so well for so long (by my standards, anyway), this is a let-down. This is a dangerous time for me. This is when my depression tells me that it’s “all down from here.” It says, “No one gives a shit.” Mostly, it says, “It doesn’t matter.” That last one is a doozy. Because when nothing matters, nothing matters. That’s when I’m prone to drink or use or stop doing the things…
