Today, I’m going to share my take on Gratitude with you. So buckle up. 😉 I had a therapy session a few days ago with Kim. Somehow, the topic turned to Self-Compassion (probably because I have none). She said, “I’m totally serious about you developing a self-compassion routine.” To which I replied, “I don’t even know what that would look like,” which, sadly perhaps, is the absolute truth. You may not know this about me, and it may not always…
Diagnoses are very important. If you have any doubts about this, all I can say is: YOU BET YOUR ASS THEY ARE! You know what’s even more important? The correct diagnosis. That determines what your options are for treatment, managing symptoms, plugging into community resources, etc. But when you allow your diagnos(es) to become your identity and rule your thoughts and actions, then it’s less like a diagnosis and more like a label you slap on yourself. The limitations of…
We all want and need validation, right? It helps us become well-adjusted and realize that we are worthy. Well, I’ve been learning quite a bit about that lately. Take my relationship with my mom, for example. She’s great, really. She has always let me make and learn from my own mistakes and has never really butted into my life, which I appreciate. And yet… I spent a couple decades trying to “make” her proud of me. I would send her…
It used to be that depression, for me, was pretty straightforward. I sounded depressed, I acted depressed, I looked depressed. I felt, well, depressed. It’s not so simple anymore. After dealing with it for over thirty years, I assumed I knew all there was to know about it. I’ve researched it, I’ve (over)analyzed it, I’ve lived it. But the first couple weeks of this current episode were different. Even CeAnne thinks so. I didn’t “just” feel deeply depressed, I felt…
**Personal Note: Though I have been diagnosed with three different mental health conditions, I usually speak mostly of depression, as that is the one I have the most experience with and have done the most personal research on. But much of what I share (in any post) can apply to other mental health diagnoses.** One of the most profound – and helpful – things I occasionally remember learning from my DBT class is that thoughts cannot hurt you. Say what?…
***I wrote most of this post on Wednesday and finished it early Thursday. It is now after midnight on Friday/Saturday and I finally have enough mental (and physical) energy to post it. That’s how depression works.*** My heart hurts. As I sit here on the couch on a dreary Wednesday morning, attempting (unsuccessfully) to keep our two-year-old cat, Zander (aka Little One), off of my wife’s keyboard, I can feel the very specific sensation in my chest that signals intense…
Here in the U.S., National Suicide Prevention Week (September 10-16, 2017) just ended. Did you know that? And, according to most mental health organizations in the U.S., September is National Suicide Prevention Month. I bet you didn’t know that. World Suicide Prevention Day was last Sunday, the tenth. I bet you didn’t know that, either. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255 [1-800-273-TALK]) has designated the Twitter hashtag “#BeThe1To” as its message for suicide prevention. If you’re on the Twitter, please…
This week, the rollercoaster of life came to visit me. Five days ago, I found out that my dearest friend, the woman who has helped me the most in my sobriety and in my life, has lung cancer. My heart almost stopped when she told me. This woman (I’ll call her LG) means the world to me. She has stuck with me through relapses, life’s circumstance, poor decisions on my part, and more, and has never, ever judged me for…
If you’ve been following along, you know that I’ve been doing several different things to treat and manage my depression and anxiety lately – TMS, DBT, meeting with my wonderful case manager and therapist regularly, and seeing my rockin’ psychiatrist (pdoc). I’ve been doing so well, I’ve made some changes to all that. After consulting with Dr. Nelson (my pdoc), I decided to stop doing TMS after only ten sessions (a routine course is twenty to thirty sessions). I can…
Okay, everyone – hands up if you’ve ever heard this term. Now, hands up if you’ve ever done it? Yup, that’s what I thought. People with mental illnesses are likely to use substances in an unhealthy way in an attempt to relieve their pain and suffering. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work very well. It may work for a few moments or a few hours, but then you’re right back where you were – with the added guilt, shame, and remorse to…
Right now, I am very angry. I also feel a lot of guilt and shame about something. I don’t really feel like getting into it, as that only allows me to ruminate and marinate in the negatives more than I’m willing to do. That’s growth right there! Instead, I will use this opportunity to prove to myself that it is possible to do something I don’t really feel like doing, even when my emotions might get in the way. For…
I’ve been fairly stable since last fall, after my second round of TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). But after a more recent bout of bad days, occasional panic, and a bit of suicidal ideation (not anymore, don’t worry!), my psychiatrist, Dr. Nelson, and I decided to start another round of it. Of course, I talked to CeAnne about it, but ultimately, it’s my decision. I take my mental health care seriously; I have to. I pay attention to Dr. Nelson during…
Guess what I did last week? I got admitted to a psych unit. Again. I’d been more up and down than usual for a week or two, and it culminated in an obsession with suicidal thoughts. If you’ve ever been in that place, you know that sometimes it causes panic (or at least, it does in me). And panic sucks. Especially when you can feel it all throughout your body, right down to your toes, when you can literally feel…
Tuesday of this week was difficult. It ended up being a full day of therapy for me, and that can be overwhelming. I normally don’t have both DBT and individual therapy on the same day (for that reason), but that’s just how it worked out this week. I had DBT from 10:00-12:00, then had to go back for my individual appointment at 2:00. By the time I had picked up a flower box hanger at Menard’s (a big box home…
Sometimes I think my brain is out to kill me. It tells me things like: “You don’t matter” “You suck!” “Go ahead and drink, no one will know – or care.” “You’re always going to feel like this.” In other words, it defies logic. My brain has a mind of its own, and it doesn’t always make sense. Maybe more than most. But because I’m in DBT right now, and because my depression has lifted quite a bit since last…
So I started with a new therapist last week. That’s always fun. After being in and out of therapy for the last thirty years or so, I know that shit happens. After all, therapists are people, too – they move, they get better jobs, they burn out, they retire, they suck, etc. Let’s just say I’ve been through my share of them. Up until a couple weeks ago, I was seeing a therapist named Christina. We had built up a…
**THIS IS A FOLLOW-UP POST TO MAY 7, 2017** If you read Sunday’s post, “Anxiety, Mindfulness, and Learning to Relax”, you know that I promised to write a follow-up post to let you know how my day ended up. I’m happy to report that I was, indeed, able to relax AND have some fun! Win-win, eh?! SPRING CLEANUP The first order of the day was to participate in our condo complex’s spring cleanup extravaganza. I had been looking forward to…
I’m doing something fun today – two things, actually. First, our condo complex is having a little spring cleaning day, and then a good friend and I are going to watch the Minnesota Twins take on the Boston Red Sox. The day will be challenging in many ways, but it’s a pretty big win for me, because I don’t do many “fun” things. And even when I do, I don’t always end up actually having fun. I’m too busy worrying….
