I haven’t been feeling that hot lately. After doing so well for so long (by my standards, anyway), this is a let-down. This is a dangerous time for me. This is when my depression tells me that it’s “all down from here.” It says, “No one gives a shit.” Mostly, it says, “It doesn’t matter.” That last one is a doozy. Because when nothing matters, nothing matters. That’s when I’m prone to drink or use or stop doing the things…
I’ve had several anxiety/panic attacks in the last month or so. I don’t know if they were anxiety or panic, but most have included a sense of abject terror. So I’ll call them panic attacks. This is highly unusual for me. Sure, I have anxiety, and I feel it at some point almost every day. But panic attacks? Those are not the same thing. About 17 years ago, when I lived in California, I had a panic attack problem. Sometimes, they…
Imagine an empty space where your heart is supposed to be, like it’s missing. That’s what depression feels like for me. It doesn’t always start like that; sometimes it’s a gradual (and sometimes unnoticeable) descent into that darkness. When I can feel it like that, though, it means it’s gotten pretty bad. I’ve been having a rough time with this episode. Progress, while definitely being made, has felt slow, and I’m less optimistic than usual. It’s been pretty frustrating. BEING…
If you’ve been following along, you know that I’ve been doing several different things to treat and manage my depression and anxiety lately – TMS, DBT, meeting with my wonderful case manager and therapist regularly, and seeing my rockin’ psychiatrist (pdoc). I’ve been doing so well, I’ve made some changes to all that. After consulting with Dr. Nelson (my pdoc), I decided to stop doing TMS after only ten sessions (a routine course is twenty to thirty sessions). I can…
Guess what I did last week? I got admitted to a psych unit. Again. I’d been more up and down than usual for a week or two, and it culminated in an obsession with suicidal thoughts. If you’ve ever been in that place, you know that sometimes it causes panic (or at least, it does in me). And panic sucks. Especially when you can feel it all throughout your body, right down to your toes, when you can literally feel…
Tuesday of this week was difficult. It ended up being a full day of therapy for me, and that can be overwhelming. I normally don’t have both DBT and individual therapy on the same day (for that reason), but that’s just how it worked out this week. I had DBT from 10:00-12:00, then had to go back for my individual appointment at 2:00. By the time I had picked up a flower box hanger at Menard’s (a big box home…
**THIS IS A FOLLOW-UP POST TO MAY 7, 2017** If you read Sunday’s post, “Anxiety, Mindfulness, and Learning to Relax”, you know that I promised to write a follow-up post to let you know how my day ended up. I’m happy to report that I was, indeed, able to relax AND have some fun! Win-win, eh?! SPRING CLEANUP The first order of the day was to participate in our condo complex’s spring cleanup extravaganza. I had been looking forward to…
I’m doing something fun today – two things, actually. First, our condo complex is having a little spring cleaning day, and then a good friend and I are going to watch the Minnesota Twins take on the Boston Red Sox. The day will be challenging in many ways, but it’s a pretty big win for me, because I don’t do many “fun” things. And even when I do, I don’t always end up actually having fun. I’m too busy worrying….
