I was feeling substantially depressed yesterday. Often, when I feel this way, I have no idea why. But this time, there were two culprits: One is that I started on a (very) small dose of Wellbutrin last week to try and curb the sexual side effects that seem to be inherent in anti-depressants, and the other is because I hurt my wife’s feelings late the night before. I was so miserable when I woke up, I canceled two appointments and…
One of the biggest symptoms of depression for me is fatigue. And I don’t mean fatigue in the usual way. I mean, we all feel exhausted every now and then. What I’m talking about is extreme, chronic fatigue. The kind where you go to the doctor repeatedly and they do all kinds of tests on you to see what’s going on – and find nothing out of the ordinary. The kind that prevents you from participating in social activities or…
I’m not sure I know what to write today. A week ago, I was feeling pretty decent. But, for the last four or five days, I’ve felt “down”. That’s what I call it when it’s not just sadness, but it hasn’t met MY criteria for “depression”. And then, today happened. I was okay in the morning; then I had therapy, where I confronted some feelings I’ve been trying to avoid. FYI – avoidance doesn’t work. WHEN IS IT “DEPRESSION”? I…
I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself, though most people would never know it. I walk with my head held high, a nonchalant attitude, and like I belong wherever I am. But my swagger betrays my real feelings. I used to pride myself on being very hard to read. I was able to fool most of the people most of the time, therefore eliminating feelings of vulnerability (kind of, but not really). Until the last ten years or…
Some of us are more fragile than others; or at least, we feel that way. Others even treat us that way sometimes. For a long time, I was unable to identify my triggers for depression or wanting to drink or use. And then, someone along my journey suggested I make a “Safety Plan”. What is a Safety Plan? It’s whatever you need it to be. It’s a way to feel like you’re being proactive. It’s a way to give yourself…
I haven’t been feeling that hot lately. After doing so well for so long (by my standards, anyway), this is a let-down. This is a dangerous time for me. This is when my depression tells me that it’s “all down from here.” It says, “No one gives a shit.” Mostly, it says, “It doesn’t matter.” That last one is a doozy. Because when nothing matters, nothing matters. That’s when I’m prone to drink or use or stop doing the things…
I have been living with severe depression for 35 years, since I was 14. It has been a massive, exhausting, demanding burden for the vast majority of that time. I’ll spare you the details – for now – but suffice to say that my life has not turned out the way I expected it to. Although I’ve been able to accomplish some goals – marriage, Bachelor’s and Master’s Degrees, a mostly-fulfilling career in social services, a move to California –…
**TW: SUICIDAL IDEATION** Suicidal thoughts, or “suicidal ideation”, are not uncommon for the 44 million people in America who have a mental illness. What you may not know, though, is that these thoughts happen along a continuum. That’s right, just because I say I “feel suicidal” doesn’t mean I’m about to make an attempt. Of course, any talk about suicide needs to be taken seriously, because it can escalate to a more serious level. It is always a real…
There’s a huge difference between being “alone” and being “lonely”. Merriam-Webster online defines alone as “separated from others” or “exclusive of anyone or anything else.” There are a few other definitions, but these are the ones I’m focusing on today. I can dig that. In fact, I am, without a doubt, an introvert – I prefer to spend much of my time alone. Mostly, it doesn’t bother me. When I’m alone, it’s quiet – and when it’s quiet, I have…
Imagine an empty space where your heart is supposed to be, like it’s missing. That’s what depression feels like for me. It doesn’t always start like that; sometimes it’s a gradual (and sometimes unnoticeable) descent into that darkness. When I can feel it like that, though, it means it’s gotten pretty bad. I’ve been having a rough time with this episode. Progress, while definitely being made, has felt slow, and I’m less optimistic than usual. It’s been pretty frustrating. BEING…
image by coolnsmart.com When clinical depression hits you, it changes everything. It changes how and what you think, what you believe, and how you behave. It only makes sense that when you’re going through a depression, your brain tells you depressing things, including flat-out lies. It’s really good at that. Perhaps the biggest lie mine tells me is this: I hate you. THAT’S A PRETTY STRONG WORD, ISN’T IT? Hate is not a word I use often. In fact,…
I hate depression. I hate that I can be having a good day, or even a good week, and then *BAM* – I run into a wall. My wife told me a few days ago that when I’m depressed, I’m “predictably unpredictable.” That’s the same thing I say about my depression. AND THEN, SUDDENLY… I was just listening to a song by Halsey called Alone. I don’t know the words, I just like the music. But that’s how I feel…
My wife and I were watching The Fosters (great show) recently, and one of the characters said something that really struck me: “I think you’re just afraid of being anything other than the poor girl with the sad story.” Isn’t that interesting? There have been times over the years that I’ve thought, “This is who I am. This is what I am – depressed, lonely, and stuck.” But what and who would I be if I was suddenly not depressed…
I have a beef with the insurance industry. According to the Social Security Administration, I’ve been disabled due to my Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) since August 29, 2005. (Yes, I know – that’s a long fucking time.) For those of you not in-the-know, after two years of being on Social Security Disability (aka SSDI, which is NOT the same as SSI), you get to sign up for Medicare (unless you’re covered by a spouse’s policy). You may or may not…
I hope my last post didn’t scare you away from taking action. That was certainly not my intention! In all honesty, admitting myself to the psych unit has saved my life at least a few times. And they’ve all kept me safe. Part I of this series was just a (very) general overview of the state of psychiatric units. It was meant to be educational, not scary. Yet, I can’t help but feel like I may have gotten a little on…
Diagnoses are very important. If you have any doubts about this, all I can say is: YOU BET YOUR ASS THEY ARE! You know what’s even more important? The correct diagnosis. That determines what your options are for treatment, managing symptoms, plugging into community resources, etc. But when you allow your diagnos(es) to become your identity and rule your thoughts and actions, then it’s less like a diagnosis and more like a label you slap on yourself. The limitations of…
We all want and need validation, right? It helps us become well-adjusted and realize that we are worthy. Well, I’ve been learning quite a bit about that lately. Take my relationship with my mom, for example. She’s great, really. She has always let me make and learn from my own mistakes and has never really butted into my life, which I appreciate. And yet… I spent a couple decades trying to “make” her proud of me. I would send her…
It used to be that depression, for me, was pretty straightforward. I sounded depressed, I acted depressed, I looked depressed. I felt, well, depressed. It’s not so simple anymore. After dealing with it for over thirty years, I assumed I knew all there was to know about it. I’ve researched it, I’ve (over)analyzed it, I’ve lived it. But the first couple weeks of this current episode were different. Even CeAnne thinks so. I didn’t “just” feel deeply depressed, I felt…
