Please read this with an open mind and try not to jump to any conclusions. There was a shooting at my alma mater, Central Michigan University, last week. A 19-year-old student shot and killed his parents in his dorm room. His dad was a part-time police officer in the Chicago area. His mother worked at American Airlines. His roommate was there at the time and saw the whole thing. The student then ran and spent the day eluding over…
There’s a huge difference between being “alone” and being “lonely”. Merriam-Webster online defines alone as “separated from others” or “exclusive of anyone or anything else.” There are a few other definitions, but these are the ones I’m focusing on today. I can dig that. In fact, I am, without a doubt, an introvert – I prefer to spend much of my time alone. Mostly, it doesn’t bother me. When I’m alone, it’s quiet – and when it’s quiet, I have…
I’ve had several anxiety/panic attacks in the last month or so. I don’t know if they were anxiety or panic, but most have included a sense of abject terror. So I’ll call them panic attacks. This is highly unusual for me. Sure, I have anxiety, and I feel it at some point almost every day. But panic attacks? Those are not the same thing. About 17 years ago, when I lived in California, I had a panic attack problem. Sometimes, they…
Imagine an empty space where your heart is supposed to be, like it’s missing. That’s what depression feels like for me. It doesn’t always start like that; sometimes it’s a gradual (and sometimes unnoticeable) descent into that darkness. When I can feel it like that, though, it means it’s gotten pretty bad. I’ve been having a rough time with this episode. Progress, while definitely being made, has felt slow, and I’m less optimistic than usual. It’s been pretty frustrating. BEING…
image by coolnsmart.com When clinical depression hits you, it changes everything. It changes how and what you think, what you believe, and how you behave. It only makes sense that when you’re going through a depression, your brain tells you depressing things, including flat-out lies. It’s really good at that. Perhaps the biggest lie mine tells me is this: I hate you. THAT’S A PRETTY STRONG WORD, ISN’T IT? Hate is not a word I use often. In fact,…
My wife and I were watching The Fosters (great show) recently, and one of the characters said something that really struck me: “I think you’re just afraid of being anything other than the poor girl with the sad story.” Isn’t that interesting? There have been times over the years that I’ve thought, “This is who I am. This is what I am – depressed, lonely, and stuck.” But what and who would I be if I was suddenly not depressed…
Whenever I hear someone use the term “psycho ward”, it’s often part of a *joke*. Well, trust me, there’s nothing funny about it. The image I assume people get in their heads is from the book One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey, or the subsequent movie, starring Jack Nicholson and a number of recognizable-but-not-yet-famous actors (including Scatman Crothers, Danny DeVito, and Christopher Lloyd). (Damn that Nurse Ratched! She is EVIL! She’s so good, actress Louise Fletcher won an Oscar for…
Today, I’m going to share my take on Gratitude with you. So buckle up. 😉 I had a therapy session a few days ago with Kim. Somehow, the topic turned to Self-Compassion (probably because I have none). She said, “I’m totally serious about you developing a self-compassion routine.” To which I replied, “I don’t even know what that would look like,” which, sadly perhaps, is the absolute truth. You may not know this about me, and it may not always…
Diagnoses are very important. If you have any doubts about this, all I can say is: YOU BET YOUR ASS THEY ARE! You know what’s even more important? The correct diagnosis. That determines what your options are for treatment, managing symptoms, plugging into community resources, etc. But when you allow your diagnos(es) to become your identity and rule your thoughts and actions, then it’s less like a diagnosis and more like a label you slap on yourself. The limitations of…
We all want and need validation, right? It helps us become well-adjusted and realize that we are worthy. Well, I’ve been learning quite a bit about that lately. Take my relationship with my mom, for example. She’s great, really. She has always let me make and learn from my own mistakes and has never really butted into my life, which I appreciate. And yet… I spent a couple decades trying to “make” her proud of me. I would send her…
It used to be that depression, for me, was pretty straightforward. I sounded depressed, I acted depressed, I looked depressed. I felt, well, depressed. It’s not so simple anymore. After dealing with it for over thirty years, I assumed I knew all there was to know about it. I’ve researched it, I’ve (over)analyzed it, I’ve lived it. But the first couple weeks of this current episode were different. Even CeAnne thinks so. I didn’t “just” feel deeply depressed, I felt…
**Personal Note: Though I have been diagnosed with three different mental health conditions, I usually speak mostly of depression, as that is the one I have the most experience with and have done the most personal research on. But much of what I share (in any post) can apply to other mental health diagnoses.** One of the most profound – and helpful – things I occasionally remember learning from my DBT class is that thoughts cannot hurt you. Say what?…
Here in the U.S., National Suicide Prevention Week (September 10-16, 2017) just ended. Did you know that? And, according to most mental health organizations in the U.S., September is National Suicide Prevention Month. I bet you didn’t know that. World Suicide Prevention Day was last Sunday, the tenth. I bet you didn’t know that, either. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255 [1-800-273-TALK]) has designated the Twitter hashtag “#BeThe1To” as its message for suicide prevention. If you’re on the Twitter, please…
I’ve been fairly stable since last fall, after my second round of TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). But after a more recent bout of bad days, occasional panic, and a bit of suicidal ideation (not anymore, don’t worry!), my psychiatrist, Dr. Nelson, and I decided to start another round of it. Of course, I talked to CeAnne about it, but ultimately, it’s my decision. I take my mental health care seriously; I have to. I pay attention to Dr. Nelson during…
Sometimes I think my brain is out to kill me. It tells me things like: “You don’t matter” “You suck!” “Go ahead and drink, no one will know – or care.” “You’re always going to feel like this.” In other words, it defies logic. My brain has a mind of its own, and it doesn’t always make sense. Maybe more than most. But because I’m in DBT right now, and because my depression has lifted quite a bit since last…
I’m a little proud of myself right now. How often do we say that to ourselves? Probably not much. Definitely not enough. I am a recovering alcoholic. I’ve been sober most of the last 29 years. Yes, I’ve had some relapses. Too many to count, in fact. But I didn’t drink today, which is especially awesome, because I really wanted to. MUSIC IS FOR LOVERS About a month ago, I bought two tickets to a concert by a group called…
It’s been about a month since Amy Bleuel died by suicide. Many of you have heard of her and the nonprofit she started, Project Semicolon. For those of you who haven’t, Project Semicolon exists to show support for those with mental illness or other mental health issues. The semicolon (;) means that an author or writer could have ended her sentence but chose not to. It continues, it goes on. And so must we. In recent years, as a direct…
