I was feeling substantially depressed yesterday. Often, when I feel this way, I have no idea why. But this time, there were two culprits: One is that I started on a (very) small dose of Wellbutrin last week to try and curb the sexual side effects that seem to be inherent in anti-depressants, and the other is because I hurt my wife’s feelings late the night before. I was so miserable when I woke up, I canceled two appointments and…
I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself, though most people would never know it. I walk with my head held high, a nonchalant attitude, and like I belong wherever I am. But my swagger betrays my real feelings. I used to pride myself on being very hard to read. I was able to fool most of the people most of the time, therefore eliminating feelings of vulnerability (kind of, but not really). Until the last ten years or…
I haven’t been feeling that hot lately. After doing so well for so long (by my standards, anyway), this is a let-down. This is a dangerous time for me. This is when my depression tells me that it’s “all down from here.” It says, “No one gives a shit.” Mostly, it says, “It doesn’t matter.” That last one is a doozy. Because when nothing matters, nothing matters. That’s when I’m prone to drink or use or stop doing the things…
image credit: Wright Angle Marketing Negative thoughts. We all have them, right? But people with depression, anxiety, and addiction issues tend to have them more than the general public. And sometimes, they linger. THE SNOWBALL EFFECT & NEGATIVITY Yesterday started out pretty well. I was in a decent mood and looking forward to a productive day. But then I went to the dentist to get fitted for my permanent dentures, only to find out an hour later that my…
There’s a huge difference between being “alone” and being “lonely”. Merriam-Webster online defines alone as “separated from others” or “exclusive of anyone or anything else.” There are a few other definitions, but these are the ones I’m focusing on today. I can dig that. In fact, I am, without a doubt, an introvert – I prefer to spend much of my time alone. Mostly, it doesn’t bother me. When I’m alone, it’s quiet – and when it’s quiet, I have…
I’ve had several anxiety/panic attacks in the last month or so. I don’t know if they were anxiety or panic, but most have included a sense of abject terror. So I’ll call them panic attacks. This is highly unusual for me. Sure, I have anxiety, and I feel it at some point almost every day. But panic attacks? Those are not the same thing. About 17 years ago, when I lived in California, I had a panic attack problem. Sometimes, they…
If you’ve been following along, you know that I’ve been doing several different things to treat and manage my depression and anxiety lately – TMS, DBT, meeting with my wonderful case manager and therapist regularly, and seeing my rockin’ psychiatrist (pdoc). I’ve been doing so well, I’ve made some changes to all that. After consulting with Dr. Nelson (my pdoc), I decided to stop doing TMS after only ten sessions (a routine course is twenty to thirty sessions). I can…
Guess what I did last week? I got admitted to a psych unit. Again. I’d been more up and down than usual for a week or two, and it culminated in an obsession with suicidal thoughts. If you’ve ever been in that place, you know that sometimes it causes panic (or at least, it does in me). And panic sucks. Especially when you can feel it all throughout your body, right down to your toes, when you can literally feel…
Tuesday of this week was difficult. It ended up being a full day of therapy for me, and that can be overwhelming. I normally don’t have both DBT and individual therapy on the same day (for that reason), but that’s just how it worked out this week. I had DBT from 10:00-12:00, then had to go back for my individual appointment at 2:00. By the time I had picked up a flower box hanger at Menard’s (a big box home…
**THIS IS A FOLLOW-UP POST TO MAY 7, 2017** If you read Sunday’s post, “Anxiety, Mindfulness, and Learning to Relax”, you know that I promised to write a follow-up post to let you know how my day ended up. I’m happy to report that I was, indeed, able to relax AND have some fun! Win-win, eh?! SPRING CLEANUP The first order of the day was to participate in our condo complex’s spring cleanup extravaganza. I had been looking forward to…
I’m doing something fun today – two things, actually. First, our condo complex is having a little spring cleaning day, and then a good friend and I are going to watch the Minnesota Twins take on the Boston Red Sox. The day will be challenging in many ways, but it’s a pretty big win for me, because I don’t do many “fun” things. And even when I do, I don’t always end up actually having fun. I’m too busy worrying….
