**Today’s post is a little different. Consider it an Open Letter to those who think depression and other mental illnesses are a choice and that we can just ‘snap out of it’.** Most of my friends are really good people. In fact, that’s a prerequisite if you want to be my friend. They are open-minded, thoughtful, fair-minded, and they don’t judge. (Yes, people like that really do exist!) However, I do occasionally run into someone who is judgmental and…
I was feeling substantially depressed yesterday. Often, when I feel this way, I have no idea why. But this time, there were two culprits: One is that I started on a (very) small dose of Wellbutrin last week to try and curb the sexual side effects that seem to be inherent in anti-depressants, and the other is because I hurt my wife’s feelings late the night before. I was so miserable when I woke up, I canceled two appointments and…
One of the biggest symptoms of depression for me is fatigue. And I don’t mean fatigue in the usual way. I mean, we all feel exhausted every now and then. What I’m talking about is extreme, chronic fatigue. The kind where you go to the doctor repeatedly and they do all kinds of tests on you to see what’s going on – and find nothing out of the ordinary. The kind that prevents you from participating in social activities or…
I’m not sure I know what to write today. A week ago, I was feeling pretty decent. But, for the last four or five days, I’ve felt “down”. That’s what I call it when it’s not just sadness, but it hasn’t met MY criteria for “depression”. And then, today happened. I was okay in the morning; then I had therapy, where I confronted some feelings I’ve been trying to avoid. FYI – avoidance doesn’t work. WHEN IS IT “DEPRESSION”? I…
45 Things To Do Sober The original title of this piece was “45 Things to do When You’re Broke, Depressed, and Trying to Stay Sober.” But I thought that was a little long. Being broke, depressed, or trying to stay sober are all tough to deal with. Sometimes, you have to white-knuckle it, which really sucks. It’s damn hard. Being all three at once? I don’t wish that on anyone. For this MHM, I thought I’d share with you some…
I have been living with severe depression for 35 years, since I was 14. It has been a massive, exhausting, demanding burden for the vast majority of that time. I’ll spare you the details – for now – but suffice to say that my life has not turned out the way I expected it to. Although I’ve been able to accomplish some goals – marriage, Bachelor’s and Master’s Degrees, a mostly-fulfilling career in social services, a move to California –…
**TW: SUICIDAL IDEATION** Suicidal thoughts, or “suicidal ideation”, are not uncommon for the 44 million people in America who have a mental illness. What you may not know, though, is that these thoughts happen along a continuum. That’s right, just because I say I “feel suicidal” doesn’t mean I’m about to make an attempt. Of course, any talk about suicide needs to be taken seriously, because it can escalate to a more serious level. It is always a real…
image by coolnsmart.com When clinical depression hits you, it changes everything. It changes how and what you think, what you believe, and how you behave. It only makes sense that when you’re going through a depression, your brain tells you depressing things, including flat-out lies. It’s really good at that. Perhaps the biggest lie mine tells me is this: I hate you. THAT’S A PRETTY STRONG WORD, ISN’T IT? Hate is not a word I use often. In fact,…
I hate depression. I hate that I can be having a good day, or even a good week, and then *BAM* – I run into a wall. My wife told me a few days ago that when I’m depressed, I’m “predictably unpredictable.” That’s the same thing I say about my depression. AND THEN, SUDDENLY… I was just listening to a song by Halsey called Alone. I don’t know the words, I just like the music. But that’s how I feel…
Whenever I hear someone use the term “psycho ward”, it’s often part of a *joke*. Well, trust me, there’s nothing funny about it. The image I assume people get in their heads is from the book One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey, or the subsequent movie, starring Jack Nicholson and a number of recognizable-but-not-yet-famous actors (including Scatman Crothers, Danny DeVito, and Christopher Lloyd). (Damn that Nurse Ratched! She is EVIL! She’s so good, actress Louise Fletcher won an Oscar for…
Diagnoses are very important. If you have any doubts about this, all I can say is: YOU BET YOUR ASS THEY ARE! You know what’s even more important? The correct diagnosis. That determines what your options are for treatment, managing symptoms, plugging into community resources, etc. But when you allow your diagnos(es) to become your identity and rule your thoughts and actions, then it’s less like a diagnosis and more like a label you slap on yourself. The limitations of…
It used to be that depression, for me, was pretty straightforward. I sounded depressed, I acted depressed, I looked depressed. I felt, well, depressed. It’s not so simple anymore. After dealing with it for over thirty years, I assumed I knew all there was to know about it. I’ve researched it, I’ve (over)analyzed it, I’ve lived it. But the first couple weeks of this current episode were different. Even CeAnne thinks so. I didn’t “just” feel deeply depressed, I felt…
**Personal Note: Though I have been diagnosed with three different mental health conditions, I usually speak mostly of depression, as that is the one I have the most experience with and have done the most personal research on. But much of what I share (in any post) can apply to other mental health diagnoses.** One of the most profound – and helpful – things I occasionally remember learning from my DBT class is that thoughts cannot hurt you. Say what?…
***I wrote most of this post on Wednesday and finished it early Thursday. It is now after midnight on Friday/Saturday and I finally have enough mental (and physical) energy to post it. That’s how depression works.*** My heart hurts. As I sit here on the couch on a dreary Wednesday morning, attempting (unsuccessfully) to keep our two-year-old cat, Zander (aka Little One), off of my wife’s keyboard, I can feel the very specific sensation in my chest that signals intense…
Here in the U.S., National Suicide Prevention Week (September 10-16, 2017) just ended. Did you know that? And, according to most mental health organizations in the U.S., September is National Suicide Prevention Month. I bet you didn’t know that. World Suicide Prevention Day was last Sunday, the tenth. I bet you didn’t know that, either. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255 [1-800-273-TALK]) has designated the Twitter hashtag “#BeThe1To” as its message for suicide prevention. If you’re on the Twitter, please…
If you’ve been following along, you know that I’ve been doing several different things to treat and manage my depression and anxiety lately – TMS, DBT, meeting with my wonderful case manager and therapist regularly, and seeing my rockin’ psychiatrist (pdoc). I’ve been doing so well, I’ve made some changes to all that. After consulting with Dr. Nelson (my pdoc), I decided to stop doing TMS after only ten sessions (a routine course is twenty to thirty sessions). I can…
Guess what I did last week? I got admitted to a psych unit. Again. I’d been more up and down than usual for a week or two, and it culminated in an obsession with suicidal thoughts. If you’ve ever been in that place, you know that sometimes it causes panic (or at least, it does in me). And panic sucks. Especially when you can feel it all throughout your body, right down to your toes, when you can literally feel…
Tuesday of this week was difficult. It ended up being a full day of therapy for me, and that can be overwhelming. I normally don’t have both DBT and individual therapy on the same day (for that reason), but that’s just how it worked out this week. I had DBT from 10:00-12:00, then had to go back for my individual appointment at 2:00. By the time I had picked up a flower box hanger at Menard’s (a big box home…
