I’m not sure how to start this post off, so I’ll just dive right into it. You know that I have trouble with feeling worthy, feeling deserving of people’s attention and time. Don’t ask me why this is because I’m not sure. At this point, I don’t even know if it matters (but I sure am curious). Well, something happened this weekend that, in retrospect, gave me a feeling of worth. Let me explain. VISITORS FROM AFAR Four months ago,…
Depression has a way of creeping into my life when I’m not keeping myself busy. You too? I’ve played with different kinds of routines over recent years, and they do help. But damn, they’re hard to stick with! For some reason that I will never understand, I always seem to quit doing the things that help me feel better. OBSTACLES So I get overwhelmed pretty easily. It hasn’t been happening too much lately, but over the last fifteen years or…
We’re going to do something a little different today. Let’s try a little experiment. 🙂 These are some of the words others have used to describe me. Notice if there’s anything these six words have in common: Funny Athlete Smart Compassionate Kind Talented Now here are six words I have often used to describe myself over the years. Do you see a pattern? Worthless Fucked up Incompetent Depressed Inadequate Hopeless Yeah, the difference is pretty glaring, isn’t it? For the…
Sometimes, things whirl around in my head like a tornado and they don’t land anywhere. That’s one reason I like to write – I can get the shit out of my head and onto paper, where I can read it over, ponder it, and decide what to do about it. Otherwise, it all just gets sucked into the black hole that is my brain and never leaves. The fun part of these tornadoes is that they can happen at any…
You can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first. At least, that’s what I believe. For instance, I’ve been sick with pneumonia for the last two and a half weeks, which accounts for the lack of posts lately. It’s hard to even breathe and hold a conversation, much less focus on writing. I went to Urgent Care two weeks ago, where I received prescriptions for a Z-Pack, Prednisone, and cough syrup with codeine. And,…
I’m not sure I know what to write today. A week ago, I was feeling pretty decent. But, for the last four or five days, I’ve felt “down”. That’s what I call it when it’s not just sadness, but it hasn’t met MY criteria for “depression”. And then, today happened. I was okay in the morning; then I had therapy, where I confronted some feelings I’ve been trying to avoid. FYI – avoidance doesn’t work. WHEN IS IT “DEPRESSION”? I…
If you’ve been following my journey over the last year, you know that I haven’t been able to work since my ECT treatments in 2005. Well, that’s changed. Four or five weeks ago, I went to a “recruiting fair” (in quotes because there were only 4 people there) for a gig scoring standardized tests. Two weeks ago, they contacted me and offered me (and 79 others) a three-week project. I took it. MY NEW GIG So, I’ve been attempting, half-assedly,…
45 Things To Do Sober The original title of this piece was “45 Things to do When You’re Broke, Depressed, and Trying to Stay Sober.” But I thought that was a little long. Being broke, depressed, or trying to stay sober are all tough to deal with. Sometimes, you have to white-knuckle it, which really sucks. It’s damn hard. Being all three at once? I don’t wish that on anyone. For this MHM, I thought I’d share with you some…
I’m not going to lie to you. I found myself in a panic a little earlier today because I really, really wanted to drink. My addictive brain was already starting to make plans. Thankfully, I was in my therapist’s office while it started, so we were able to talk about it. She made a couple suggestions and (naturally) encouraged me to not drink. On the way home, though, the thoughts started steamrolling through my brain. The addict mind had engaged….
Imagine an empty space where your heart is supposed to be, like it’s missing. That’s what depression feels like for me. It doesn’t always start like that; sometimes it’s a gradual (and sometimes unnoticeable) descent into that darkness. When I can feel it like that, though, it means it’s gotten pretty bad. I’ve been having a rough time with this episode. Progress, while definitely being made, has felt slow, and I’m less optimistic than usual. It’s been pretty frustrating. BEING…
My wife and I were watching The Fosters (great show) recently, and one of the characters said something that really struck me: “I think you’re just afraid of being anything other than the poor girl with the sad story.” Isn’t that interesting? There have been times over the years that I’ve thought, “This is who I am. This is what I am – depressed, lonely, and stuck.” But what and who would I be if I was suddenly not depressed…
“One day at a time.” Even if you don’t attend a 12-step group, I bet you’ve heard that saying plenty of times. And it’s true. If you think about it, tomorrow never comes. In the world of physics, it’s impossible. It is always today. “Tomorrow” is really just a concept. Every morning you wake up, it’s today, right? You can’t wake up and it’s somehow yesterday (unless you’re Bill Murray in the classic movie Groundhog Day). It’s always today. So…
We all want and need validation, right? It helps us become well-adjusted and realize that we are worthy. Well, I’ve been learning quite a bit about that lately. Take my relationship with my mom, for example. She’s great, really. She has always let me make and learn from my own mistakes and has never really butted into my life, which I appreciate. And yet… I spent a couple decades trying to “make” her proud of me. I would send her…
If you’ve been following along, you know that I’ve been doing several different things to treat and manage my depression and anxiety lately – TMS, DBT, meeting with my wonderful case manager and therapist regularly, and seeing my rockin’ psychiatrist (pdoc). I’ve been doing so well, I’ve made some changes to all that. After consulting with Dr. Nelson (my pdoc), I decided to stop doing TMS after only ten sessions (a routine course is twenty to thirty sessions). I can…
Right now, I am very angry. I also feel a lot of guilt and shame about something. I don’t really feel like getting into it, as that only allows me to ruminate and marinate in the negatives more than I’m willing to do. That’s growth right there! Instead, I will use this opportunity to prove to myself that it is possible to do something I don’t really feel like doing, even when my emotions might get in the way. For…
Sometimes I think my brain is out to kill me. It tells me things like: “You don’t matter” “You suck!” “Go ahead and drink, no one will know – or care.” “You’re always going to feel like this.” In other words, it defies logic. My brain has a mind of its own, and it doesn’t always make sense. Maybe more than most. But because I’m in DBT right now, and because my depression has lifted quite a bit since last…
So I started with a new therapist last week. That’s always fun. After being in and out of therapy for the last thirty years or so, I know that shit happens. After all, therapists are people, too – they move, they get better jobs, they burn out, they retire, they suck, etc. Let’s just say I’ve been through my share of them. Up until a couple weeks ago, I was seeing a therapist named Christina. We had built up a…
**THIS IS A FOLLOW-UP POST TO MAY 7, 2017** If you read Sunday’s post, “Anxiety, Mindfulness, and Learning to Relax”, you know that I promised to write a follow-up post to let you know how my day ended up. I’m happy to report that I was, indeed, able to relax AND have some fun! Win-win, eh?! SPRING CLEANUP The first order of the day was to participate in our condo complex’s spring cleanup extravaganza. I had been looking forward to…
