I’m doing something fun today – two things, actually. First, our condo complex is having a little spring cleaning day, and then a good friend and I are going to watch the Minnesota Twins take on the Boston Red Sox.

The day will be challenging in many ways, but it’s a pretty big win for me, because I don’t do many “fun” things. And even when I do, I don’t always end up actually having fun. I’m too busy worrying.

My anxiety has taken its toll on me in so many ways, big and small. It has kept me from doing things I like to do, from taking even calculated risks, from meeting new people, getting together with close friends, and a whole host of other things. Basically, it has kept me from fully participating in my own life.

LEARNING TO RELAX

I have passed up many, many opportunities to do “fun” things with people over the years. Of course, I have also gone ahead and taken part in social outings, whether with friends, strangers, or family, but not been able to relax or have fun. I often end up slipping out of such affairs (even celebrations) after only a short time so I can avoid my feelings of self-doubt and not feeling worthy.

In fact, just a few weeks ago, CeAnne and I got together with a group of extended family members, most of whom we know quite well. We love – and even like – all of them.

But I was not looking forward to it. For two hours before we even left, my anxiety just ate me up. And, once we got there, I felt totally self-conscious – about the way I looked, about my weight, and especially about where I’m at in my life.

I hate that shit.

I was too busy judging myself and being worried that they were judging me to be able to relax. I kept comparing myself to them (thinking they all have their shit together and that life is easy for them, which of course can’t be true) and so I wasn’t able to enjoy myself at all. I was tense and crabby and despising every bit of small talk I found myself engaging in.

I couldn’t enjoy being in the moment.

So I sat there, smile plastered on my face, tension in my neck and shoulders, knot in my stomach. I participated, but only on the surface. I didn’t feel like I belonged there.

I hate that feeling. It’s the kiss of death. But it happens more often than not.

The problem is that I am not staying in the moment – I’m trying to read other peoples’ minds and I’m worrying about what they might think. Of course, the only way to actually know what another person thinks is to ask, but it seems one of my favorite pastimes is mind-reading. 🙂

I think we all know that this is impossible, and it creates a ton of problems for me, not the least of which is more anxiety, but we do it anyway.

THIS IS WHERE MINDFULNESS COMES IN

I’ve learned a lot about this thing called “mindfulness” in DBT over the last eleven months. In essence, being mindful means being present, right here, right now. It is paying attention and fully participating in what you’re doing in the moment. And, in general, it’s been very helpful at decreasing my anxiety and my worry and helps keep my habit of ruminating at bay – when I use it.

But it takes practice, and lots of it.

Before DBT, I thought I knew everything about coping, about how to deal. It just didn’t seem like any of it worked very well for me. Boy, was I wrong! Eleven months into this twelve-month program, the number of very specific coping skills I have at my disposal has grown exponentially. But it can be hard to remember to use them, and it can be difficult to figure out which ones would be most beneficial in any given situation.

That’s where the practice comes in.

Take the events I have planned for today: I know that if I don’t pay attention and try to stay in the moment, I will be an anxious wreck and not have any fun. So, I’m going to consciously practice my mindfulness skills.

I’m actually doing two potentially fun things today. And yes, I am a little anxious, and I’ve had to talk myself into doing both of them (numerous times). But, dammit, I deserve to relax and have a little fun. So do you.

Twenty minutes from now, our condo complex is having a little spring cleaning day. We will be doing things like sweeping out the garages, doing some power washing, picking up debris, and other small tasks. That way, we don’t have to spend the money to pay some company to do these things that we can easily do ourselves.

Now, maybe that doesn’t sound fun in and of itself, but here’s my thinking: We’ve only lived here six months, and though I’ve met most of the people in our building, I have met no one from the other three buildings. Besides, I like physical activity, plus it’s a chance to contribute to our little community.

This is a great opportunity to practice some of the skills I’ve learned, including mindfulness. It’s also an opportunity to be sociable, which is often very difficult for me. I have a limited amount of sociability in me at any given time, and once it’s gone, I’m done for the day – sometimes two. And let me tell you, I don’t typically have much to begin with.

REINTERPRETING THINGS

A strange thing is happening inside my head, though. Instead of feeling dread, I’m picturing standing around for a few minutes with my new neighbors, getting acquainted with a few of them, savoring a chocolate-covered donut (filled with cream, if I’m really lucky) and then working cooperatively to spruce up this place that I love so much.

In other words, I’m looking forward to it. I can see myself smiling, laughing, maybe even bonding with someone a little.

I know, right?!

Normally, small talk makes me very uncomfortable, and so I avoid it like the plague. I much prefer having deep/philosophical/existential discussions, even with relative strangers. Superficial or surface-level encounters do not appeal to me. They actually make me tired.

I can only help out for about thirty minutes, after which I need to leave for the ballgame. So, aside from using up all my mental and emotional energy today by virtue of the fact that I’ll be spending several hours socializing (!), mostly in a loud, very crowded environment (which is also very difficult for me), I also expect that I’ll use up my physical energy reserves.

That can make for one very crabby, stressed-out Depression Warrior. 😛

Well, it’s time for me to go. I will be practicing paced breathing, active listening (instead of planning what I’m going to say or wondering what people are thinking about me – because their world revolves around me, you know!), maybe a little meditation if I start to feel overwhelmed at the game, and I will try to be my usual, friendly self.

I will post an update to let you know how things went.

Wish me luck!