**Personal Note: Though I have been diagnosed with three different mental health conditions, I usually speak mostly of depression, as that is the one I have the most experience with and have done the most personal research on. But much of what I share (in any post) can apply to other mental health diagnoses.**

 

One of the most profound – and helpful – things I occasionally remember learning from my DBT class is that thoughts cannot hurt you.

Say what?

Well, if you think about it, a thought is just that – a thought. It’s not an action or a commitment, it’s just… a thought. They pop in and out of our heads constantly throughout each day. Some we pay attention to, others (most) are extraneous and don’t serve us in any way.

But they sure can be scary. And paralyzing.

DO WE HAVE CONTROL OVER OUR THOUGHTS?

That probably depends on who you ask. I’ve heard and read so many people say that “happiness is a choice”. Just yesterday, some jerk-off tweeted, quite simply: “Depression is a choice.”

That really pissed me off, and it offended me (and many others who responded).

I’ll tell ya what, I was more polite to her than I really wanted to be, but I responded with something like, “Unless you’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression and fought to survive a brain that’s trying to kill you every day, STFU.”

I think she got my message.

I understand that positive thinking, finding things to be grateful for, and looking forward to things have some power to influence my state of mind, of course. Just like ruminating on negative things and convincing myself that I’m hopeless can influence my state of mind. I don’t think it takes a genius to figure that out.

BUT.

Mental illnesses are very complex. It is not just a matter of thinking happy thoughts and moving on, feeling just fine. This kind of thing may work for people who are experiencing less severe mood changes – “normal” people who do not have mental illnesses. I have seen many of my friends and acquaintances be able to do just this – pick themselves up and carry on.

More power to them!

But for those of us who deal with mental illnesses and severe cases of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, PTSD, DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, more commonly thought of as “multiple personalities”), and more, it can be devastatingly futile to come up with a positive thought or two – and especially to believe them.

Once upon a time, I used to be able to feel my depression coming on. I didn’t always recognize it for what it was, but my support system often did. It was gradual, and there were times when I was able to derail it before it became too deeply rooted in my psyche.

These days, though, it hits me like a ton of bricks. There is often a trigger, so I can be on the lookout for the invasive thoughts, the negativity, being more exhausted than usual, the loss of interest in everything, etc. etc. etc. But not always.

(By the way, virtually anything can be a trigger. Everyone’s experience of mental illness and mood changes are different, and can even differ from day to day or hour by hour. It doesn’t have to be something devastating or even seemingly consequential.)

WHERE DO THOUGHTS COME FROM, ANYWAY?

My current depressive episode (along with the accompanying anxiety disorder) has been a real fucking nightmare. Yes, there was a trigger, a rather obvious (and public) one. The weird thing is that I felt alright the first couple days and thought I’d be okay. I was even able to stay somewhat positive and consider my next steps to keep moving forward.

And then.

Then it happened.

Seemingly out of nowhere, I was suddenly and absolutely consumed by everything that comes along with depression. Sure, I was more vulnerable to a relapse than usual, after leaving my tutoring position, getting dentures (which caused considerable pain at first and made it very hard to eat), and having bronchitis for a month, along with the sleep issues I’ve had since I was a child.

But I have a wonderful support system, both professional and personal. I was attending all my appointments (like usual), taking my meds (although I’ve been known to miss a day here and there, which can lead to unpleasant withdrawal effects, depending on the drug), taking *most* of the professional advice I’ve been given, sharing my feelings with CeAnne, etc. I thought I was doing what I needed to do.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last 34 years of suffering from, surviving, and living with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it’s that they are opportunistic.

So, in my more vulnerable state, my symptoms came crashing into me, with neither my permission nor my invitation.

That’s the thing about mental illnesses. They really have a mind and a life-cycle of their own. They don’t need, want, or ask for your permission to attack. They don’t wait for you to have time to deal with it. They just attack.

They can crawl out of the woodwork even if you are doing everything you need to do and are feeling good – self-care, staying positive, sharing your thoughts and feelings, doing fun things, living a healthy life.

That may be the most frustrating part of it all: Their unpredictable nature.

BACK TO THE QUESTION ABOUT THOUGHTS

I used to have a bumper sticker on my little Chevy 4-banger, Thor. It said:

“Don’t believe everything you think.”

That made a lot of sense to me when I bought it many years ago, and it seems ever more important to remember these days.

I believe that thoughts just pop into your head. Some are good, some are not. Most are neutral.

In other words, I have no control over what thoughts pop into my head.

Feel free to argue with me on this one, but I’m pretty sure about it. An example: Why would I entertain thoughts of, say, suicide if I could choose to keep them at bay? Or self-deprecation, or worthlessness, or hopelessness, or hate for myself, or drinking?

The answer is – I wouldn’t! Who wants to feel like shit? Who would knowingly knock themselves down and then kick themselves in the head, repeatedly? I know I wouldn’t. Would you?

(I really hope you’re saying, “No!”)

A lot of people lose their battles with these thoughts. They become despondent, disdain themselves, feel like a bother, etc. Some lose their battles in the biggest way possible and die by suicide. Many, many of us – including myself – use alcohol and other drugs to try to cope and avoid their destructive and negative thoughts.

Others engage in what is called “self-harm” – cutting themselves, burning themselves, and using other means of inflicting physical pain on themselves to ease the emotional pain they are in.

I’ve never admitted this before, but I’ve done some of that, too.

Hey, don’t judge. It’s a very complex coping method that is very difficult to explain and understand if you’ve never been there. (If you want to educate yourself on this topic or if you have questions about it, read this article from the Mayo Clinic or send me an email. If you want to throw the Bible at me or judge me, keep it to yourself.)

“THOUGHTS, IN AND OF THEMSELVES, CANNOT HURT YOU”

When I was in DBT and actually practicing what I learned (the key, for sure), I struggled with this idea. I was like, “What do you mean they can’t hurt you? Of course they can! My thoughts/my brain are trying to kill me!”

It took some amount of discussion, examples, repetition, and willingness on my part to come to the conclusion that maybe Kim and Linda (the DBT facilitators) were right. I was able to see a thought as simply a string of words, no more, no less. I could watch them play through my head and then let them leave. I learned (temporarily, anyway) to not attach to them and just…let them go.

And then came the more logical part of the equation, which I found easier to follow: It’s what you do with the thought, how you respond to it, that determines our behavior. Our behaviors and choices (or lack thereof) are what can cause us pain – or not.

In effect, our thoughts choose us, but we choose our reactions to them.

This is easier to type than to live, of course. But there is always a choice – usually more than one. And sometimes, we have to choose what seems like the lesser of two (or three) evils, but that’s okay, as long as we get through it without hurting anyone – including ourselves.

PRACTICE MAKES PERMANENT

I’m not saying I’m any good at this. In fact, I’ve been ruminating on some very negative thoughts over the last couple days (and weeks) that are really affecting me.

For me, I sometimes get so overwhelmed so quickly with depression, anxiety, fear, guilt, anger, and/or shame, that I freeze. Here, I have all these tools and a great support team at my disposal, but during those times, I just can’t seem to access them.

I simply don’t know what to do, which skills or tools to try to use, who to talk to, or what to do from one minute to the next. Most often, I sit on the couch, listen to my Spotify playlists through my earbuds, and stare. Or sleep. That’s a big thing right now.

Of course, that doesn’t help anything.

And, during these very difficult times, I tend to listen to my Mellow or Classical/Soothing playlists, which sometimes actually bring me down even more.

Note to self: Choose your music carefully, especially when feeling vulnerable.

I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that I’m one of those people who over-thinks things. You may be, too. Once in a while, I realize that Thinking doesn’t actually solve problems – Action does.

So, the decision of what to do in response to my thoughts is of the utmost importance. When I’m so far down and I have so many options (anything more than two!) that I can’t make any decisions myself, which does happen, I don’t do anything.

I just totally freeze. So I reach out and ask someone on my team what, exactly, I should do.

Hey, it’s better than freaking out, isn’t it?

Isn’t it?

KNOW THYSELF

The last three weeks or so have seen me in a very bad place. I’ve been feeling a *little* better for a few days now, but I’m still in danger.

• In danger of attaching to those negative, destructive thoughts and giving them more weight and attention than they deserve.
• In danger of drinking or using to numb myself. Yes, I know it’s only temporary (and dangerous, and possibly destructive), but sometimes I just want to escape (FYI: I haven’t had a drink in over a year).
• In danger of giving up on myself and listening to my depressed brain say things like, “You don’t matter,” “Who gives a shit?”, and “I don’t know if I can go through this again.”
• In danger of just giving up.

But once the heaviest of the depression lifted ever-so-slightly a few days ago, I no longer feel frozen and totally overwhelmed. I have been able to allow a few positive thoughts in, I’m writing this post(!), and I’m taking part in my day-to-day life just a *little* more.

My thoughts are changing a bit – just enough for me to dig my claws in and start pulling myself out of the crevasse (with a lot of help). I can see the tiniest light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I’m just hoping it’s not a train. If it is, I’m in deep shit. If not, then I have a chance at surviving yet another deep, dark relapse into this awful disease.

But I will not – I cannot – get cocky.

I need to always be on guard, paying attention to my thoughts, behaviors, and what my body is telling me. My experience with both mental illness and addiction is that, just when you think “I’ve got it!”, things fall apart. You spread yourself too thin, you stop doing the things that have helped you feel better, you pay less attention to your personal red flags.

You start taking your better mental health for granted.

There is no “getting it” once and living happily ever after. Awareness of self and vigilance are key. Self-care is key. Asking for help is key. Letting that help in is an even bigger key.

You have to “get it” over and over, every day. It is most definitely not a “one and done”. (But wouldn’t that be nice??)

I’m actually really proud of myself for writing this post. I have like 5 other posts started, but I put them on hold, as I really needed to say all this right now. I hope it helps someone, anyone, out there. I know it’s helped me.

Thanks for reading.

Keep it real, everyone.