We all want and need validation, right? It helps us become well-adjusted and realize that we are worthy.

Well, I’ve been learning quite a bit about that lately. Take my relationship with my mom, for example. She’s great, really. She has always let me make and learn from my own mistakes and has never really butted into my life, which I appreciate.

And yet…

I spent a couple decades trying to “make” her proud of me. I would send her a card once in a while, apologizing for being such a bad kid (which I wasn’t), begging for her forgiveness. She would continuously insist that she’d always been proud of me and that there was really nothing to apologize for.

But I never believed her.

I never *felt* it.

SELF-WORTH

How we feel about ourselves is so incredibly complicated. It involves everything we’ve been told or taught; who we spend our time with (as kids and as adults); every scary, joyful, funny, or educational thing we’ve ever witnessed; every thought we’ve ever told ourselves. Not to mention our biology, genetic components, neuroses and psychoses, and every coping method we’ve ever tried (whether they worked or not).

I still have trouble believing that my mom (or anyone) is proud of me, and I’m 49 years old. Why is this?

Because I’m not proud of myself.

Because I don’t feel worthy.

One thousand people could line up and tell me how much they love me and how wonderful they think I am, and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference to my brain.

Because all the “good stuff” – pride, worth, love, patience, compassion, wonderfulness, etc. – that comes from the inside. That’s what makes it real.

You don’t get that stuff from external sources. Or, if you do, it’s not the same thing. It feels good, don’t get me wrong, and it’s necessary for successful relationships. But if you don’t feel worthy of love and compassion, it’s not going to matter if others [try to] give it to you.

In therapy last week, I was relating my feelings of unworthiness to Kim. She looked at me with a pained expression on her face, leaned forward in her chair, and said, “I’m sorry.”

Know what I did? I said, almost immediately, “Don’t do that to me!”

“Do what?”

“Give me compassion and sympathy.”

She was taken aback and, as any good therapist would do, pursued this line of “reasoning”.

Her warmth and compassion were penetrating my armor, which I was not comfortable with at all. I was so uncomfortable, being on the receiving end of something I myself give so freely to others, that I felt like I had to defend myself.

Isn’t that sad?

And I knew exactly what was happening: I didn’t feel worth anyone’s compassion. It had nothing to do with her and everything to do with how I feel about myself.

In other words, I – like everyone else – desperately want and need compassion, understanding, patience, love, support and all that happy crap, but when someone tries to give it to me, I fight it.

That strikes me as weird. I don’t know, maybe it’s more normal than I think. But it’s one big contradiction (with possible serious consequences) to me.

So that will be our focus in therapy for a while, because, if you think about it, how you feel about yourself determines the actions you take (or don’t) every day. And that translates into what kind of life you lead.

DEPRESSION AND LACK OF SELF-WORTH

That’s one of the worst things about depression, in my opinion. On days I only feel “somewhat” depressed, I can still usually function to some degree. I may be able to get a few things done around the house here and there, or work on my fiction, or write a blog post, or run a couple errands. Maybe even make dinner.

But once the depression gets to a certain point, functioning becomes just about impossible. That’s where I was the first couple weeks of this episode. I was able to get out of bed, yes, but I’d be back for a nap within a couple hours (and another one later, and another one later…). I was unable to get anything done; I was useless. Or, at least, I felt useless.

I couldn’t even go through the motions.

CeAnne, Brianna (my wonderful case manager) and I even discussed the possibility of hospitalization or trying to get into a temporary residential MH treatment program. (These are less-restrictive environments, normally a large house in a normal, everyday neighborhood, with stays of between one and ten days or so and room for a very small group of people. You know, the kind of places everyone thinks is a good idea, but “Not in my backyard!” I’ve spent time in three of them over the years.)

Thankfully, I’ve gotten through the worst part – for now – without needing either.

Depression tells you that you suck and that you’re not even worth the air that you breathe. It truly is a battle every minute of those days to push through the self-loathing, the complete absence of self-esteem, and the preference to never wake up again.

If my brain tells me that I’m not worth shit on a good day, imagine what it tells me while I’m stuck in the deep, deep rut of depression (or on the way down).

Since I have been stuck in depression to some degree for a few decades now, my self-worth is just about non-existent. I don’t know what started it, and I’m not sure I even need to know. I just know it needs to change.

INCREASING YOUR OWN SELF-WORTH – BABY STEPS

At this moment, these are some of the only ways I can think of to help myself feel better about who I am:

1. Stop invalidating myself. (But that’s a process – it’s why I’m in therapy in the first place!)
2. Make a list of my positives and practice #1.
3. Take compliments with a “Thanks” and a smile – don’t argue about it.
4. If I do something fantastic, give myself credit or take the credit that comes with it; don’t laugh it off and say, “Ah, anyone could have done that.”
5. Do something productive every day. Even if it’s just making the bed.
6. Practice self-care: eat, shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, etc.
7. Get out of the house every day and be nice to the people I meet.
8. Take care of business (pay bills on time, maybe do a little housekeeping, get the oil changed in the truck…)
9. Practice my DBT skills. They don’t do any good if they’re just words on a page that I never look at.

Okay, actually, that’s a pretty long list. Simple things, but not necessarily easy. In fact, even making this list *just now* makes me think it may be possible, that I could actually do one or two of these things even today.

(Mental health is so sneaky! Sometimes, you accidentally discover something that gives you a modicum of hope.)

IN HONOR OF MYSELF

I turned 49 a couple days ago (never thought I’d make it) and “decided” (no, it’s not that easy, but I wanted to enjoy my birthday!) that I would do what I could in order to have a decent day. I didn’t get breakfast in bed, darn it, and dinner had to be postponed because both CeAnne and her mother felt like crap, but it was a mostly stress-free day.

I heard Kohl’s calling my name, so I bought a few things (including jeans a size smaller than before, since I’ve lost 15 pounds in the last two months!) and then took myself to Culver’s for lunch. I couldn’t care less about their frozen custard – I’ve only had it once – but their chicken tenders are awesome! Then I came home, relaxed a bit, and started writing this post. (Sometimes it takes me a while to put it all together.)

I heard from my three remaining brothers and my mom and lots of people on Facebook. Goal completed – it was a decent day.

I hope today is decent for you, too, birthday or not.

As always, thanks for reading – and Keep it Real.