I’m not going to lie to you.

I found myself in a panic a little earlier today because I really, really wanted to drink. My addictive brain was already starting to make plans.

Thankfully, I was in my therapist’s office while it started, so we were able to talk about it. She made a couple suggestions and (naturally) encouraged me to not drink. On the way home, though, the thoughts started steamrolling through my brain.

The addict mind had engaged.

WHAT IT’S LIKE WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO ENGAGE IN AN ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR BUT YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DO, YOUR WIFE WILL THROW HER WEDDING RING AT YOU (AGAIN)

A lot of people don’t understand this. Despite all the education out there and the decreased stigma associated with addiction (to some degree, anyway), they still think we addicts and alcoholics can just think ourselves out of it.

Personally, when I start thinking about it, I overthink it – then I get frustrated and I start to panic because I see no way out. And once I start to panic, I become obsessed with it until I do it.

Others say to avoid it, distract yourself. Distracting yourself is a good technique to use, actually, but there are only so many ways to do that. The idea isn’t to avoid these thoughts, it’s to work your way through them and escort them out of your brain.

Still others think we’re weak-willed. Well, let me tell you – if everything was about willpower, no one would have any addictions and we would all be one big happy fucking family.

For me, the desire/craving/urge to drink usually begins before I even realize it. I know that in the last week, I’ve had thoughts of drinking, but they seemed relatively unobtrusive. I figured they were just fleeting thoughts that would come and go quickly, which is usually what happens.

But then it happened a few more times.

Before I knew it, I was at therapy this morning confessing my thoughts to Kim – and being met only with concern, the desire to help, and non-judgmentalness. She’s so awesome. 🙂

You see, my brain sometimes tells me things that don’t make any sense (probably a lot like yours). For instance, “You’ve been sober for a year and a half. You deserve to go out and get wasted!” And I swear there’s a part of me (the addict part) that wants me to drink or use to prove that I’m not perfect and that, yes, I need help. (Yeah, that last part makes absolutely no sense to me, either.)

You may know that one of my favorite sayings is “Don’t believe everything you think.” I know, I should listen to that, too. Just because the sick part of my brain tells me I want to drink doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a part of me that wants to; it may just be my addiction lying to me.

It’s like my head – which lies to me – and my heart, which knows the truth, are banging heads. It’s very confusing and uncomfortable, and though my heart has been winning lately, it does have its weak moments.

I’m an expert liar, especially to myself. Just ask CeAnne.

CRISIS AVERTED

I actually used the suggestions Kim gave me, and they helped. She’s been teaching DBT for over twenty years, so of course, the suggestions were based in DBT. This included making a list of the Facts about drinking and using and a list of the Myths I (sometimes) believe about drinking and using. That helped somewhat, to see it in writing. There’s also a short chapter in the DBT book about when your crisis is addiction, so I read that.

Thinking about the possible consequences of drinking is also helpful. I may not remember some things while drinking (blackouts), but I remember CeAnne’s reactions when I’ve come home wasted.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse about myself than after I go out drinking and have to come home and “face the music” or try to lie to her. What an awful, awful feeling that is.

But I won this round. In addition to the DBT exercises, I did some other things as well: I changed my clothes from looking presentable to wearing a holy t-shirt and sweatpants (something I would not wear to a bar); I started writing this post; and I reached out to two friends I knew would listen and be honest with me.

Then I took a nap.

Before I knew it, it was four o’clock and I was feeling a lot better.

IT SEEMS LIKE AN EASY DECISION

On the surface, whether or not to drink (or use) seems like an easy decision, doesn’t it? Yes or no? Right or wrong?

Well, it’s not. Not always, anyway. There are times when we are more vulnerable to making hasty decisions than others. And there are plenty of ways to mind-fuck ourselves.

You may or may not know this, but most alcoholics die from alcohol, one way or another. Whether it’s from cirrhosis or a car accident or falling down the stairs or whatever – most of us lose the battle in the end. That’s why support is so necessary.

I’m lucky – I found a support group many years ago that I can still attend any time I want. I’ve made lifelong friends who don’t drink and will always support my decision to stay sober. Plus, I have CeAnne. 🙂  She hasn’t had a drink since we met in 2006, to support and respect me. Now that’s love! (She never had a problem with it. She could take it or leave it, and she left it.)

I’ll say it again – if it was all about willpower, a simple decision to “just say no” – then no one would be addicted to anything. Not alcohol, not drugs, not gambling, not food, not shopping, nothing. It would, by definition, be easy.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I have never regretted not drinking, but I have regretted it every time I’ve relapsed. My actions affect other people – CeAnne, her mom, maybe some friends or other people I come into contact with. I don’t want to hurt any of them.

So, I keep going, keep on truckin’. Despite everything that’s ever happened to me, all I know is to keep going. If I drink, it could change everything in my life – and maybe someone else’s – in a heartbeat. I know that. That thought is clouded when I get panicky and obsessive about it, but in my heart, I know this.

So I will not drink today. And tomorrow, I will wake up and say the same thing: “I will not drink today.” And, if you think about it, it’s always today. Tomorrow is an idea, a concept. It may come or it may not. So, I will not drink today.

Thanks for reading. And Keep it Real.