Alcoholism and drug addiction do terrible things to a person. But addiction is also a disease that affects family and friends.

One of the most important things I’ve learned in recovery is that I can be the person I always wanted to be: thoughtful, responsible, caring, reliable, morally and ethically responsible. In other words, a good role model. I have heard hundreds – thousands – of others say the same thing.

All of this actually makes life easier – it makes life worth living. It’s funny – the irony is that when you’re drinking (or using), it seems like that’s the only way to survive. Drinking used to make me prettier, funnier, smarter, and a better bowler – or so I thought.

Back then, if you asked someone to describe me, they probably would have used words like this: unreliable, a drunk, unhappy, someone who makes bad decisions and is wasting her potential.

Nowadays, if you were to ask someone the same question, they would (hopefully) say things like I’m funny, a good person, someone you can count on, someone who is willing to help.

That sounds like the better deal to me.

CASE IN POINT

The good parts of sobriety don’t just affect me. Since I am a healthier, more reliable person with a clear head, others get the best of me, too.

For instance, my brother-in-law was told a couple of weeks ago that his colon cancer, which he had beaten three years ago, had come back. We didn’t know many details and were on pins and needles waiting for more info. Well, he had surgery a few days ago and it’s not good news. Let’s just say they weren’t able to get it all and leave it at that.

What does this have to do with sobriety? Plenty. Because I’m sober, I can be there for my wife, my mother-in-law, and the rest of their loved ones. They can count on me to be there for them, rather than worrying about whether or not I’m out there drinking myself silly and then getting behind the wheel.

They don’t have to worry about me anymore that way. I am no longer a liability.

CeAnne (my wife) still does worry about me drinking on occasion, because, after all, I am an alcoholic. Drinking doesn’t cross my mind very often, but it does once in a great while. In fact, when I came home from my new job a few nights ago, crying because I felt incompetent and burnt out, I told her that I had felt like drinking. She said, “I know.” She may not be an alcoholic, but she knows me well enough to be able to tell certain things about me.

Here’s the best part: When we got the phone call about her brother, I was right there with her, ready to give her whatever she needed. I can give her the best of myself.

Do we need to make a trip to Ohio to see her brother? I’m there.

Does she need a hug? You got it, babe.

Does she just want me to listen or to make sure she doesn’t break anything valuable if she’s raging? (This is just an example – she doesn’t rage.) I’ll be there.

Because I’m sober, I can be there for others when they need me.

THE MANY PERKS OF SOBRIETY

As I said, being sober makes me a better person. I’m not so selfish or self-absorbed anymore. One of the founders of a 12-step group says the alcoholic is an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, and I find that to be very fitting.

But that’s no longer me. I try hard to focus my days on how I can be of help rather than dwelling on my own problems and wallowing in self-pity (although I have my moments).

Here are some of the benefits of being sober that I’ve experienced:

• I am no longer described as a lush. 🙂
• I am willing and (usually) able to be helpful to others.
• I am a better friend.
• I’m more reliable (except when my depression or anxiety get the best of me).
• People don’t run when they see me coming.
• My bank account doesn’t include withdrawals from bars and liquor stores anymore.
• My wife hasn’t thrown her wedding ring at me in about 2 ½ years. 🙂
• My family and friends (and I) don’t have to worry about me driving drunk, being taken advantage of sexually/beat up/mugged/passed out in a snowbank, or other sordid things.
• I am a calmer, more spiritual person.
• I seek to understand rather than be understood (mostly – I’m not perfect).
• And the list goes on.

There are a few ideas I try to live by now. One is the Golden Rule, one is the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi, and one is the Serenity Prayer. (There are two official versions of the Serenity Prayer. Do you know what the short-short version is? “Fuck it!” j/k)

None of these things would be true if I weren’t sober. I would be more worried about where to get my next drink, how to afford it, how to get away with it, or other obsessive things. That’s all that mattered.

And the thing is, none of these perks cost me anything. They don’t get in the way of my life. They are all simply natural by-products of living a sober, intentional life. They allow me to be the kind of person I always thought I could be, but could never figure out how to be.

SOBRIETY – A SIMPLE CONCEPT, BUT NOT ALWAYS EASY

Staying sober is really a simple idea – just don’t drink. Right? But it is far from easy. All you have to do is change everything about yourself, try to do the next right thing, and live according to your principles. That not easy to do on a daily basis, especially when you’re just starting out.

Some days are definitely more challenging than others, of course. But most of my days are pretty simple. I just try to do good and be a good person.

I do falter, every day, to some extent. I’m terrible at returning phone calls, for example. My anxiety around using the phone is infamous. If you want to get ahold of me, send me an email or text me, please!

Also, I’m not good at returning things people lend me, especially books, for some reason.

I’m still selfish in some ways, and at certain times, it comes out more than others. It usually comes back and bites me in the ass.

I even tell little white lies once in a while (don’t tell anyone).

And I’ve relapsed more times than I care to admit. But only for short amounts of time, and I’ve always bounced back. So far. I know that there is always the possibility that I could go back out and drink, but there’s no guarantee that I’ll make it back to recovery.

One day at a time, folks. Sometimes, five minutes at a time.

PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION

Not one of us is perfect. For me, the idea is to be a better person today than I was yesterday. It’s all about making progress, not being perfect. Hell, “perfect” doesn’t even exist. It’s an illusion that others – the media, family, even strangers – make us think does exist, for various reasons.

So stop trying to be “perfect”. You’ll never get there and so you’ll always be frustrated with yourself and think you’re not good enough.

But you ARE good enough. Period.

If you are trying to stay sober and end up relapsing, it’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t even mean you’re a failure. It just means you drank. The best thing to do is get up, brush yourself off, and make tomorrow better.

Support groups can be a great resource and provide a great sense of fellowship, of bonding, of helping you realize that you’re not the only one who’s been through this. It’s totally up to you to attend them or not (unless your court-ordered), but just know that they can be very helpful. You will find that none of your support group friends is perfect either, but they find the silver lining and keep on keepin’ on. That’s what it’s about – persistence.

Being sober can make your life and that of those around you better than you can even imagine. Yes, it’s hard at first, and you may stumble. But the effort is worth it. You get out of it what you put into it.

One more thing: If you think you have a drinking problem, you probably do. “Normal” drinkers don’t tend to wonder about that. So do what you need to do to get healthy. You will find that the benefits of staying sober far outweigh the short-term escapism and the possible long-term consequences of drinking (or using).

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions about sobriety or just need to vent. I can be found at Laura (at) DepressionWarrior (dot) com.

Keep it Real, folks!