Photo by Jerry Zhang on Unsplash

I have a confession to make: I drank a few weeks ago.

Yes, I know you might be thinking “What?! Why?” Well, I’ll tell you.

My wife and her mother were going to be in West Virginia for a week to visit CeAnne’s terminally ill brother. I was going to have a whole week to myself for the first time in 12 years. Although it was a sad occasion, it offered me plenty of alone time.

As an introvert, I loved the idea of being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and not have to worry about bothering anyone or making too much noise or anything. I could have as much alone time as I wanted.

As a recovering alcoholic, though, thoughts of drinking were definitely on my mind. Even though I felt I was doing fine in my sobriety, I was going to have something I rarely ever have: The opportunity to drink safely, in my own home.

SO MUCH TO DO

There were so many items on my list of things to do: organize our walk-in closet; pick up the living room; unpack the few boxes that remain after we moved into our condo more than two years ago, and take care of the huge mound of unopened mail (mostly junk) we had accumulated.

There were fun things on my list, too. The freedom of being alone gave me plenty of leeway in how I went about my day. I could listen to music all day long, as loud as I wanted; walk (and dance!) around naked if I so desired; sleep peacefully, without my wife nudging me throughout the night because of my snoring; and I could smoke as much as I wanted without feeling self-conscious about it.

I was able to do some of these things, including organizing the walk-in closet, which badly needed some attention. And I took care of some of the junk mail. I listened to music all day long, danced around half-naked a bit (hehe), and slept without interruption. I also smoked plenty of cigarettes.

However, by the second day, I could no longer avoid the not-so-quiet voice in my head that kept saying, “Laura, you’re home alone. You can drink safely in the privacy of your own  home!!” That voice was giddy with excitement.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

I went to the liquor store.

I bought a fifth of something called Fireball, a cinnamon-flavored whiskey. I came home and looked at the bottle. The alcoholic in me was wringing its hands, thinking, “Yes! I can’t wait!” and the responsible part of me was thinking, “What the fuck are you doing?! You’ve been sober over two and a half years!”

You already know which part of me won.

I took a sip, and it was so cinnamon-y hot I could hardly handle it. Then I got this bright idea to mix it with some Diet Pepsi and poured a highball-sized drink. I swished it around some, sniffed it, and took a sip. It was very tasty.

I continued to sip at my drink. After it was gone, I waited a while and then I poured another one. And another, and another. I stopped at four drinks, and honestly, they weren’t all that strong. I got a mild buzz on, and it was pleasant.

That one bottle lasted me a few days. I didn’t get wasted (my usual), I didn’t pass out, I didn’t puke, I didn’t do anything stupid. Well, any stupider than drinking.

On the one hand, I was kind of proud of myself. I could have drunk the whole thing (or almost the whole thing) in one sitting, which is what I normally did in the past, but I didn’t. I didn’t get sloppy. I didn’t drunk-dial anyone. I got some things done and went about my day. This part of my brain was congratulating me, telling me that maybe I could drink socially.

On the other hand, I was drinking. Although I had never been successful at controlled drinking in the past (though I’d never really tried), I’d seen a number of people I knew from my support group go back out and try some controlled drinking. For some, it works. But for others, they eventually come back to meetings and say, “It doesn’t work. Don’t try it. It only gets worse.” I’ve seen many more never make it back.

HOW TO BOUNCE BACK AFTER A RELAPSE

Still, the bigger part of me didn’t really want to continue drinking, because I was afraid I would end up doing the same thing I’d always done – drinking to oblivion. Besides, it’s not like I could drink after CeAnne and her mom came home. I had no choice but to stop.

Well, I guess I could have kept drinking after they came home, but that would have gone over like a lead balloon.

I did end up telling CeAnne about it the day after they got home. I felt guilty and a little confused. Her reaction surprised me a little. She didn’t get over-the-top angry with me, but she was disappointed, for sure. We talked about it for a while (calmly), she asked me some questions, and I answered them honestly.

And she still loves and supports me.

I haven’t had the urge to drink since. In fact, I’ve hardly thought about it. The only time it came up was last week, while I was at our bi-annual family reunion. I was fine until one of my nephews brought out a fifth of whiskey. I couldn’t stop staring at it. I even texted someone in my support group for a little moral support. She actually suggested that I bring it up and tell my family that it made me uncomfortable. That way, she said, it gives ME the power over the bottle, instead of the other way around.

And while I understood that advice and saw the value in it, there were three days left on my vacation. Rather than talk about it and risk making everyone else uncomfortable, I decided to put the bottle in a less conspicuous place and walked away from it (it had been sitting in the middle of the kitchen island, seemingly with a spotlight on it). Over those last three days, whenever I noticed myself looking wantingly at it, I left the room.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY RELAPSE

Support is paramount when you’re battling an addiction. No one in my immediate family has a problem with alcohol or drugs, though I do have a niece and a nephew (not the one with the whiskey) who have battled it. I guess I could have talked to them, but I felt self-conscious about that. There’s a big part of me that thinks I should be able to handle these kinds of situations better.

I am 50 years old, for God’s sake; talking to a young woman or a young man about it – no matter how mature they are – seems so…desperate. Like, if they can handle it okay, why can’t I? (Of course, that assumes they’re handling it okay. I can’t actually read their minds.) After all, I’ve been around sober support groups for 30 years, and I’ve been sober most of that time.

Which leads me to something I once heard in a meeting: It’s not counting the number of days sober that matters, it’s making each one of those days count that matters.

Being sober for 2 ½ years doesn’t make me any less likely to drink (obviously). As they say, “We’re all six feet from the ditch.” Which brings me to another point: Even though I drank, it’s not like I have to “start over.” I haven’t lost or forgotten what I’ve learned. I’m an alcoholic, and I decided to drink. I made a poor decision.

It wasn’t my best moment, but it’s not the end of the world, either.

The thing is, you need to learn from a relapse. And sometimes, you learn the same thing over and over. That’s how life is. Few things are “one and done.” Just like you need to learn to accept certain things over and over (and hopefully, it gets a little easier each time), you need to learn from your mistakes, too.

What did I learn? I learned that if I’m going to be alone, I need distractions. And by that, I mean I need to schedule distractions ahead of time, preferably by spending time with others. Anything to get me out of the house would be good. I also need to talk to other people in recovery as well as my support team as soon as the idea to drink pops into my head. I may need to call them more than once, or have coffee with them, or spend time with other friends – but I need to do something other than let the thoughts whirl around in my head.

Anyway, since I’m all about transparency, I figured I should let you know about this. This is not my favorite post, and it was a little difficult to write and own up to what I did, but it was necessary.

Bottom line? If you have a problem with alcohol or other drugs, and the thoughts won’t leave you alone, it may be a good idea to arrange for time spent with others. And call your support people!

If you do decide to drink or use, it doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person or that you deserve punishment. Just try to find something that can help you next time you’re in that spot.

Thanks for reading. And Keep it Real.