They say that hindsight is 20/20, right?

That’s good, because I totally blanked on Suicide Prevention Awareness Week (Sept. 8-14) and World Suicide Prevention Awareness Day (Sept. 10) this year. At least I didn’t miss the entire Suicide Prevention Awareness Month!

In hindsight, I realize that I need to be a little more organized when it comes to these things. I haven’t been on the Twitter machine much lately, so I didn’t see the hashtags that are associated with these events.

I’ve also been looking for a real part-time position as a writer and am going through yet another depressive episode, so I’ve been kind of preoccupied.

But let’s talk about something many of us live with but don’t like to talk about.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SUICIDAL PEOPLE

Most articles and posts you read regarding suicide are on the depressing side. This one is not. I feel the need to give you a peek into a sometimes-suicidal mind and let you in on a big secret:

People who are suicidal don’t really want to die; they just want their pain and desperation to end.

Think about that for a minute. Have you ever felt suicidal or thought that the world would be a better place without you in it? You’re not alone. Many of us feel this way. I’ve been actively suicidal a handful of times in my life and have had intermittent passive thoughts of suicide for decades.

If you’ve been there, you get it. I get it, too. It’s not that I want to actually die; but sometimes, I am in so much emotional pain and anguish – caused by my depression and anxiety and triggered by a host of things – that I just want it to stop.

I’ve wanted to feel better and have tried many things over many, many years before finally finding a combination of treatments that actually worked (medication, DBT, and TMS). After being in therapy for more than 20 years and trying more than twenty (that’s 20) different psych meds and combinations and having none of them make an impact on me, I lost any hope I might have been clinging to that it was even possible to feel better.

Desperation is a bitch, but it can also be a powerful motivator.

I believe that people are inherently good and that negative thought patterns and behaviors are, for the most part, learned. I also believe in the survival instinct.

That’s why I don’t believe that people who experience suicidal thoughts want to die. Yes, it’s a “permanent solution to a temporary problem,” although I know people who are always fighting suicidal thoughts and looking for reasons to stick around.

And yes, suicide can seem like a viable option to a person who is in constant pain. The tormented soul is hard to live with. It is a great feat to keep Hope alive.

THIS IS NOT A DEPRESSING POST

I want to talk about that Hope today. Without it, life can seem meaningless and extremely painful. It can feel empty. One can wonder, “What’s the point?”

But if you’re reading this, I challenge you to think about it this way: “I’ve made it this far; I must be doing something right!”

I know you suffer, sometimes greatly and seemingly without end. But you’re still here, clinging onto whatever you can, and that takes persistence, strength, and a lot of guts, especially if you live in constant pain.

You know what that means? It must mean that you want to live.

If you didn’t, would you be reading this post? Would Suicide Prevention Awareness Month resonate with you? Would you be trying your best to get through your worst days? Would you still be here?

I argue that you would not. You, my dear Warrior, are a force to be reckoned with, and I bet there’s a part of you that agrees with that statement. You are passionate and strong, despite (or maybe because of) what you’ve gone through during your short time here on Earth.

Let me share the definition of Hope with you, from Merriam-Webster. “Hope,” as a noun, is “desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment” (definition 2A). Similarly, as a verb, it means “to cherish a desire with anticipation: to want something to happen or be true” (definition 1).

Hope is critical for those of us who live in constant pain, whether it be mental, emotional, existential, or physical.

And yet, it’s also possible to survive when it seems like all Hope is gone. You’ve done it, am I right? I know I have. I think there are times when we simply “go through the motions” and do things automatically, even if we feel Hope-less.

That’s the survival instinct kicking in.

I don’t know if I believe in “survival of the fittest”. Maybe in the animal kingdom, yes. Maybe that’s nature’s way of keeping things balanced. But for us humans, I think a more accurate way of looking at it is “survival of the strongest (as in resilient) and the most persistent.”

Going back to Merriam-Webster, they define “persistence” as “to go on resolutely or stubbornly in spite of opposition, importunity, or warning” (definition 1). Another, perhaps more appropriate definition for this post, is “to continue to exist especially past a usual, expected, or normal time” (definition 3). I don’t know about you, but when I was young, I figured I’d be dead by the age of 19.

But I persisted, and here I am today.

My dear Warrior, you may not feel strong or think of yourself as persistent, but I know you are. Your Self keeps looking for ways to keep going, for purpose, for a way to get through the next day, the next hour, the next five minutes. Your Self knows that you are meant to be here; there’s even a part of it – however small – that knows you can feel better. You might need a super-powered microscope to see it, but it’s definitely there.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LAURA?”

LOL, I know, right?

Look, if I had really and truly believed in my heart of hearts that I was actually, literally hopeless or that the world would be a better place without me in it, I would have ended it a long time ago.

There have been times – too many to count – when I’ve thought, “I’m always going to feel this way, aren’t I?” And I believed it. I sincerely believed it. After all, I once had a depressive episode that lasted six years. That’s a long fucking time!

But there can be a world of difference between what your brain tells you to think and what you know deep down in your heart.

The first time I remember having suicidal thoughts was when I was 14. I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy for a year (365 days too long) and there was some heavy stuff at home that I was dealing with (nothing abusive).

My brain was telling me that I wasn’t worth it, that life sucked the big one, and that there was no use going on if I was going to keep feeling this way. It was trying to kill me. It wasn’t until MUCH later (I’m talking decades) that I learned that I don’t have to believe those thoughts.

That’s what DBT does and that’s why it’s so valuable. It teaches you how to challenge old thought patterns as well as exactly how to replace them with healthier thought patterns. It takes a lot of practice, reinforcement, commitment, and, yes – persistence.

Persistence is infinitely powerful, and so is Hope.

YOU are stronger and more loved than you think. And you have an enormous effect on others, whether you see it or not yet. (Don’t argue with me, because I know I’m right. ;))

Don’t you see? The deepest part of you wants to live. That’s why you’re still here. That’s why you struggle and fight and flail your way through the painful moments of your life – you’re not ready to give up, to give in to your false and limiting beliefs.

You’re not ready to die. You have a life to live.

Go ahead, say it out loud to yourself: I am not ready to die. I have a life to live.

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS…

I want you to consider this little tidbit: You’ve made it through 100% of your most horrible, shittiest, most self-destructive days. Even if you’ve attempted suicide in the past, you’re still here! Do you know what that means?

It means that you have the opportunity to start over, to refresh your approach to life. You finally have the opportunity to challenge the thoughts and feelings you’ve believed all these years.

It means that you have the opportunity to start your story over and make it a positive one that is full of wonder and possibility – and Hope.

Those negative thoughts, those old tapes that keep playing in your head? FUCK ‘EM! Tell them to get the hell out of your life, because you don’t need them anymore. You have a life to live, remember?

Take back control of your thought processes. Question and challenge your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs, and your reactions to these things. Your birthright is to be happy and full of peace. It is to do what fulfills you. It is to determine your own destiny.

Maybe I should include an exercise with this post…an easy one, after all this heavy reading and pondering.

How about this?:

Grab a sheet of paper, or your laptop, or your tablet, whatever – and write down all of the things that make you smile and warm your heart. Be as specific as you can.

For instance, I love tennis. I mean, I really *love* it! (No pun intended, haha!) The tennis court is my Happy Place. I can even break it down into smaller bits: I love the feeling of sunshine on my face as I play. I  love it when my knees sweat. I love being able to hit something as hard as I possibly can. I love my hitting partners. I love feeling the breeze. I love being in the moment. I would love to go to London and watch Wimbledon in person.

See what I mean? I wrote down one thing – that I love tennis – and it snowballed into many smaller bits that I can appreciate and that give me warm fuzzies. Music, animals, and photography are other things that have the power to make me happy. Surely, there are things about the world that make you smile, even if you think (or tell yourself) you’ll never be able to experience them.

I’ll make it easy on you – I’ll start you off with a suggestion: If money, time, and responsibilities were no object, and you could visit anywhere in the whole world, where would you go? Why? What is it about this place that makes you smile? Think BIG!

These are the kinds of things we live for. They instill Hope in us.

You have the power to rebuild your life and your Self, right now, at this very moment. Stop the false, limiting beliefs that make you feel like shit in their tracks. Imagine a brick wall surrounding you to keep you safe, or a big old stop sign in front of you to break up your negative thought patterns.

You can do this! Your deepest Self holds on really, really tight to that one ounce of Hope that’s been hiding in there. Try to be conscious of it. Try to grow it. Try to do this exercise and really feel it.

As always, dear Warrior, thanks for reading – and Keep it Real!