Image credit: Vladislav Babienko

 

Last month, I wrote a post that posited that if you change your behaviors, your thoughts will follow.

In other words, instead of endlessly waiting for the motivation to do something, just do the thing. Your thoughts will eventually follow and reinforce what you’re doing, which, in turn, becomes a habit – hopefully a healthy one, like working out. Our experiences can actually change the neural pathways in our brains. This is called neuroplasticity.

As Dr. Celeste Campbell has said,

“[Neuroplasticity] refers to the physiological changes in the brain that happen as the result of our interactions with our environment. From the time the brain begins to develop in utero until the day we die, the connections among the cells in our brains reorganize in response to our changing needs. This dynamic process allows us to learn from and adapt to different experiences”

Absolutely amazing!

It has occurred to me, though, that some people may have misunderstood my prior post and thought I was saying that depression is a choice, which is not so. Let me explain.

JUST SNAP OUT OF IT, ALREADY!

I am under no illusion that everyone sees depression the same way I see it. I know there are naysayers out there; there are even people who don’t “believe” in depression! These tend to be the people who say “snap out of it” or “get over it.”

As anyone with clinical depression can tell you, there is no such thing as snapping out of it or simply getting over it. This is the nature of the beast: it tells you that you can’t do anything (through negative self-talk and lack of energy, interest, and belief) but doing that thing is exactly what would help you feel better.

Take the aforementioned example of exercising. We all know that exercise is good for us, right? And you are probably aware that exercise creates endorphins, which are good for our mood. It feels good, it lifts us up, it’s motivating. It may even be part of your daily routine when you’re feeling well.

But when you add depression to the mix, all bets are off.

One of the most common (and one of two baseline) symptoms of depression is lack of interest in doing, well, anything. And physical activity is one of its first casualties. It’s hard enough to exercise regularly when you feel well, much less when you feel exhausted, negative, and like it won’t matter anyway.

So, when these people, these naysayers, say, “Why don’t you exercise more?” it’s obvious to me that they just don’t get it. They don’t understand that the nature of depression is to tell you that you can’t exercise at all. Not because you don’t want to and not because you’re “lazy” but because that’s what depression does. It sabotages our efforts to get well.

Honestly, they may as well say, “Snap out of it!” It would have the same effect.

I was going to say that these are the same people that say, “Happiness is a choice,” but I’m not sure that’s true. I think these people are more chipper, more positive in their attitudes in general, while the “snap out of it” folks tend to be more negative and blaming.

What do you think?

WE DON’T CHOOSE DEPRESSION; IT CHOOSES US

People are complicated, aren’t they? The ones who are convinced that they can simply “choose” to be happy most likely haven’t suffered from depression. They are lucky, only they don’t realize it.

As for the people who want us to snap out of it? It’s been my experience that they try to avoid their feelings. It’s possible, in fact, that they suffer from depression – they just don’t know how to deal, and it scares them to death. What I think they’re really saying is, “Snap out of it so I don’t have to think about how shitty I feel.”

Either way, both groups imply (at least on the surface) that we can *choose* whether or not to be depressed. I understand where they’re coming from; as I stated in the post in question, we do get to choose how we react to our circumstances.

But – and this is a big but – I would ask them this question: Who in their right mind would choose to be depressed? Depression is marked by feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, suicidal ideation, and that nothing we do matters – that we don’t matter. It tells us we’re nothing and it perpetuates the cycle of low self-esteem and low self- confidence that we tend to suffer from. In fact, depression is one of the main causes of disability around the world.

Again, I ask: Who would *choose* to be depressed? When the alternative is to feel good about yourself, to feel useful, to feel like you matter and are loved and respected – why wouldn’t we just choose that instead?

I’m sure you are well aware that our circumstances affect our moods. When I was in my previous relationship, I was kind of miserable. It seemed like all I did was put out fires, deal with one crisis after another. That DEFINITELY had an impact on my mental health!

But you also know that the neurotransmitters in our brains aren’t at normal levels, and that is nobody’s fault. It just is. So instead of asking yourself, “Why me?” ask how you can better manage your moods.

Between these neurotransmitters and your life circumstances, you may be stuck in a rut. And that stuckness can last for years, decades even.

I wish someone could tell me how to *choose* to be happy, how to ignore the negative thoughts and focus only on the positive ones. I wish my neurotransmitters were at normal levels.

Alas, that’s not my truth.

The real truth is, of course, that there is no easy answer. It is impossible to *wish* ourselves into mental wellness, and it is a fruitless endeavor. If you try it and it does seem to be working, I submit that you’re not really dealing with your depression or the issues that lead to it. And I can all but guarantee that it won’t work for very long.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Depression is not a choice. Period.

We are acutely aware that it often leads to suicidal ideation and attempts (and completions). Humans are hard-wired to survive. It is against our nature to “choose” to feel a way that takes away our power and could lead us to end our lives.

I used to just glare at the people who said to me, “Why are YOU depressed? You’ve got it all.” I would get so angry inside, I didn’t know what to do with it. (Anger is one of those emotions I still don’t know how to handle.) So I didn’t do anything. I’d let it soak into my being, where it would fester until I broke down.

These days, though, when I encounter someone with an ignorant view of mental health issues, I take the time to try and educate them. I don’t give a lecture – no one wants that. But I might tell them a tiny bit of my history with depression and educate them about neurotransmitters, the statistics, our limited treatment options, and the extreme difficulty in getting well.

One of my favorite ways to explain it is to simply tell them that depression is a disease of the brain, which is totally true. Anything to get people to understand that depression and other mental health issues are not “character defects” or a cockeyed attempt to get attention or sympathy.

Depression has a way of making people feel helpless, including our loved ones. My experience has been that most people don’t know how to deal with it, so they either avoid us or they try to “fix” us. Of course, neither of these approaches is helpful.

PARTING WORDS

If you are depressed, know that there are plenty of people out there who understand you. I realize it doesn’t feel like it, and honestly, I’m not sure if it even helps to know that. But you are not alone.

Keep on keepin’ on. Talk to a mental health professional. Find a psychiatrist and get on medication. (Antidepressants work on the neurotransmitters. It might take a while to find the right one/s, but they can really help.) Know thyself; figure out what makes you tick, what makes you feel good, what might help lift your burdens. Read self-help books, read articles and books that inspire you. Keep reading this blog. 😊

And if you find that you are constantly being berated by people who tell you to “get over it” or “snap out of it” or that you “choose” to feel this way, do your best to not be around them anymore. I know sometimes it’s our families who say such things, which makes it that much more difficult. But toxic people are not our friends.

I’m going to throw a resource out there for you today. It’s called DBSA – Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Its website has tools you can use to track your moods, find a support group, be inspired, and learn about depression and bipolar disorder. Give it a look. If you like it, awesome. If not, that’s okay, too.

Thanks for reading. And remember – you are a Warrior! Let’s Keep it Real out there!