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My therapist recently asked me what happiness means to me. I didn’t have an immediate answer for her. I had to think about it.

Naturally, happiness means different things to different people, and the road there varies. Some people think being rich will make them happy. Some believe they will be happy after they find Mr. or Ms. Right and have 2.3 kids, a picket fence, and a dog.

While I believe that goals like these have their place and can contribute to an overall feeling of being loved and valued, I personally don’t think they can make us happy.

They certainly play a role in our level of life satisfaction, but I believe our best shot at happiness comes when we’re able to feel comfortable in our own skin, when we have confidence in ourselves, and when we feel that our lives have meaning.

EXTERNAL FACTORS – DO THEY MATTER?

Many people believe they would be happier if they had lots of money. If they could only travel more, or buy a bigger house, or buy a Ferrari, they would be happy.

Notwithstanding the possibility that these things can contribute to our lives, I don’t actually think material things will make us happy.

In my case, I barely have enough money to make ends meet. Like so many people, I live paycheck to paycheck.

But I have enough for what I need. I have a roof over my head, I live in a safe neighborhood, I have clothes on my back, and I have food to eat. I even have a vehicle that gets me from place to place.

And really? The rest is just gravy.

When we think about happiness, we need to determine what we it is we actually need vs. what we want.

Sure, I’d love to have enough money for the things I want to do: travel, go to tennis camp, buy a cool car, buy a house, etc. Would I be happier if I had those things? Honestly, I can’t answer that question because I’m not in that situation. It’s a “what-if?” which, by definition, is impossible to answer because it does not exist.

Would I be happier if my debut novel, The Katie Chronicles, had ended up on the New York Times’ Bestseller list? Well, it would have been quite an exciting accomplishment, but it would come with its own set of stressors: public relations, a book tour, readings, etc. – none of which sounds very fun to me. It would mean I’d have to give up a lot of my personal time, which I cherish, and it sounds stressful.

In other words, there’s a flip side to everything.

So, external factors – new experiences, material things, even our relationships with others – have their place. But they are no guarantee of happiness.

IT’S WHAT’S BETWEEN THE EARS THAT COUNTS THE MOST

I know that my happiness cannot be contingent on the things I have or the people I hang out with. Possessions can be taken away, get old and worn, or lose their appeal. So can people.

The most important things are the things no one can take away. Things like self-confidence, self-esteem, feeling worthy, and knowing that you make an impact on the world.

Yes, things can happen that might shake your confidence or make you question your place in the world, but once you have them, they’re yours. You’ll be able to tap into them at any time.

What’s most important is how you think about yourself.

You may think that you have no value, that you aren’t important to anyone, that you just plain suck. That would be your depressed brain telling you lies.

When we think negative things about ourselves, it is reflected in our everyday lives. It lives in every thought and every action we perform. It doesn’t take long before it becomes our normal way of thinking, and we start to believe it.

We no longer question whether or not these things are true; we internalize them and they become a very damaging part of our identity.

Fortunately for us, we can change the way we think about ourselves.

As I’ve written before, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) helped change my attitude about myself. It’s an intense and intensive program and it requires a lengthy commitment, but if all else has failed, what have you got to lose?

There is a lot to be said about how we think about ourselves. It determines what we do (or don’t do) and how we do it, how we act and react. It determines the course of our lives.

It is also fluid. It can change as we grow and learn about ourselves and the world around us.

This is a very good thing, because we often get stuck thinking that we are destined to be depressed, anxious, angry, frustrated, alone, lonely, and misunderstood for eternity.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you have the power to change that. You’ve got the power to think different thoughts, which can change the entire trajectory of your life. You may not possess the tools with which to do that just yet, but it is possible.

And it will transform your life.

THE PROVERBIAL TOOLBOX

Your mental wellness depends on which tools you have in your toolbox. We’re not all born into ideal circumstances with ideal families. We are not all taught the best habits, and we don’t necessarily learn how to deal with our emotions in a healthy way. Or at all.

Over the last forty years or so, most of it having been spent in and around the mental healthcare system, I have obtained a plethora of tools to help me along my way. They have each had their place in my life, and most of them have been helpful. Up to a point.

I’m a curious person. I don’t just do things; I like to know the how and why of them first. When you begin a mental health program, the facilitator(s) usually explain how it works, why it works, and the steps you’ll be encouraged to take.

This is helpful because it validates the program and ensures the possibility of a certain outcome – if we would only listen to them. 😉

So the tools I’ve gained through the system, being formalized and part of a process, have mostly made sense to me, which has helped.

I know there are some therapists and other facilitators out there who don’t seem particularly “with it,” but most of them are good people who want to help.

As an added bonus, they tend to have a personal understanding of mental health issues, whether as a client themselves or as a family member. This (usually) helps them put themselves in our shoes, which is one of the keys to building a healthy therapeutic relationship with us.

These professionals can introduce us to new tools – such as new ways of thinking, new ways of processing the circumstances of our lives, healthier coping mechanisms, and healthier ways to move forward.

If you’ve never tried therapy (or any type of treatment) or only gave it a half-assed try, I urge you to reconsider. Along my decades-long journey through hell and back, therapy has kept me going, has given me enough hope to keep trying.

Therapy has kept me alive, even when I was falling apart.

BACK TO THE BEGINNING

I’ve written all this to put things in context. Happiness is elusive for many of us; even more so if we try to do this life thing without any help.

If you’re not given the tools that make for a reasonably happy existence, that’s not your fault. By the same token, though, once you realize your life is out of control – in one way or another –it’s up to you to take the steps necessary to regain that control.

With the help of therapists and psychiatrists galore, psych units in three states, different kinds of therapy groups, and practices I consider to be spiritual – like yoga, meditation, and paced breathing – I have been able to “break on through (to the other side),” as Jim Morrison and The Doors famously sang.

And so can you.

So what does happiness mean to me? It means being comfortable in my own skin. It is the absence of desperation and hopelessness and the presence of contentment and confidence. It is feeling loved.

And although it may seem like it, this is no pipe dream. If it’s possible for me to be relatively happy, it’s possible for you, too.

After all, we deserve to be happy, no matter what our brains tell us.

Thanks for reading. Keep it Real out there! 😊