Yoga. Tennis. Playing the piano. Softball. Bowling. Photography. Reading for pleasure.

What do these things have in common? They are all things that help me feel better.

The bigger question is why do I stop doing them when I know they will brighten my mood and could actually help to delay (or derail) a depressive episode?

I know I’m not alone in this, although for the longest time, I thought I was. Why do we stop doing the things that we know will help us?

I have two words for you (well, one hyphenated word): self-sabotage.

SELF-SABOTAGE IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD

I was talking with Jacqueline, my therapist, last week and I posed the same question to her. She’s the one who said we do this because of self-sabotage.

According to Healthline.com, “Self-sabotage refers to behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do.”

It’s a mystery to me why we do this. Certainly, we want to feel better, right? We want to feel good about ourselves, feel productive, and be proud of ourselves. But we often sabotage our own efforts.

The good news (I guess you could call it that) is that you are not alone. The Healthline article lists several common ways we sabotage ourselves, including one of my go-to’s: procrastination.

You may have done all of your pre-task work and are prepared to start, but when it comes down to it, you feel frozen. You are unable to even start the task in earnest. So you do other, often mindless tasks (otherwise known as busywork) like organizing your DVDs or your sock drawer or binge-watching Lucifer.

In other words, you procrastinate.

Healthline says that there are usually reasons underlying these behaviors. Typically, these include poor time management, doubting our skills and abilities, or – my personal demon – feeling overwhelmed. (Anxiety, anyone?)

So, instead of putting our butts in our chairs and tackling the task at hand, we distract ourselves with other, less important tasks.

WHY DO WE SABOTAGE OURSELVES?

Wow, if I had the answer to that question, I’d be a gazillionaire! 😉

Let’s take yoga as an example. I’ve mentioned this before – yoga really helps me feel good. I enjoy the process of stretching and strengthening my core, I feel better physically and emotionally afterward, and I feel productive and like I’ve done something good.

And it can be so easy! I use a free yoga app on my phone called Downward Dog. All it requires is 20 minutes of my time (you can do more or less time) and enough room to do the poses. There’s no need to pay for classes at a yoga studio, although that certainly is an option with its own benefits.

So why do I do it for four or five weeks and then quit? That’s like stopping your medication because you feel better. (You feel better because of the medication; why would you stop taking it??)

Maybe I change my mind. Maybe I decide yoga isn’t that important. Maybe I already know I won’t stick with it, so I quit prematurely. Or maybe I just don’t think I’m good at it.

In reality, none of these things are true: yoga, for me, has many benefits that go way beyond feeling better physically. I always go into it intending to make it a long-term practice, and who cares what I look like when I do it? I’m alone, for Pete’s sake! And, like most things, it gets easier with practice.

One thing that also adds to self-sabotage is negative self-talk. We all know that self-criticism is a part of depression, and that it makes life a lot harder. Again, why do we do this?

Personally, I think the answer to this is very complicated. But I also think that part of it is the expectation of perfection. If I can’t do something near-perfect, I feel like a failure. (Where did I learn that?) Instead of trying something new, it’s too easy to convince myself that I can’t do it. So, I don’t even try.

Healthline says that, “Believing these [kinds of] criticisms can promote an attitude of self-defeat and keep you from wanting to try again.”

How true is that? (That’s a rhetorical question.) How many of us are prone to self-defeating thoughts and, therefore, quit something before we even start? I know I do.

OLD HABITS DIE HARD

I have sabotaged my own efforts at jobs I’ve had, in college classes, in relationships, with healthy habits – with just about anything you can imagine.

And I’ve always had this problem. If I can’t do something perfectly – or close to it – I often won’t even try it. I remember being incredibly self-conscious way back in fourth grade and making sure I didn’t rock the boat. I wanted to be accepted, not look like a fool.

For many of us, negative self-talk becomes a habit. It is often developed in childhood or our teenage years and takes hold of our thought patterns quickly if there is no intervention. Hell, even if there is some kind of intervention, such as talking to a counselor, that’s no guarantee it will stop.

Many people feel that, if you’re trying to stop a negative habit, it helps to replace it with a positive habit (or at least a neutral one).

I don’t have a lot to offer on this idea because I’ve not really done it. As an example, I’ve quit smoking a few times for extended periods and did not replace it with anything. I just quit. I don’t chew gum or toothpicks, I don’t play with fidget toys, or any such thing. I’ve thought about it, but never really got into it.

But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t help. Perhaps I should consider it again.

I am getting better at trying new things, mostly because I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I don’t really care if I make a fool of myself, whether it’s on the basketball court or singing in the car in front of Lisa. I do it anyway, which is, strangely enough, liberating.

And the truth is that we all feel this way to a certain degree. I’ve known people who attend support groups and never share their experience because they’re too embarrassed and are afraid people will think they’re “bad” people.

And who among us hasn’t known people who attend work meetings and never speak up because they don’t think their ideas will be met with anything other than crickets or someone questioning their intelligence?

Don’t even get me started on small working groups, whether it be in school or on the job. It seems that, no matter your age or station in life, one or two persons ends up doing all the work. Why? Because they’re afraid to confront the slackers and remind them that they, too, are responsible for the group’s success.

WHAT’S MY POINT?

Okay, so I threw a few different scenarios at you in this post. But I think they’re all related. They speak to our confidence and our acceptance of ourselves, warts and all.

Self-sabotage plays a role in many people’s daily lives. Maybe you broke up with Mr. Right because you were afraid he was going to break up with you, and you wanted to avoid some of the heartbreak by dealing the first blow.

Maybe you quit a good job because you thought you made a mistake or thought you weren’t performing up to snuff, so you convinced yourself it really wasn’t the job for you.

In any case, I think we do these things due to a combination of low self-esteem and self-confidence, perfectionism, and not wanting to feel hurt or embarrassed.

Once we start working on these issues and getting past them, I think the compulsion to quit things that are good for us will dissipate.

I guess that means I have more work to do. How about you?

As always, thanks for reading. And Keep it Real!