Image credit: Brian Mann on Unsplash

 

I just got home from therapy with Jacqueline, and we did some good talking. In response, I have something a little different to start off today’s post: A pop quiz! Shout out the first thing that comes to your mind:

Which comes first – thoughts, feelings, or behaviors?

The answer is: All of the above!

That’s right, folks. Today’s post is about the never-ending cycle of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

WAS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?

Actually, yes. Yes, it was. 😊

Jacqueline and I were talking about a post I wrote a couple months ago that tried to tackle the mystery of why we stop doing the things that help us.

Then I told her about the next post I wrote, which was about how I believe that we can have control over our thoughts and feelings (if we have the tools to do so).

She agreed with me on that point, which brought us to CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT teaches us how to stop negative thoughts from spiraling out of control and how to replace them with more rational thoughts that are based in fact – not based on self-loathing or self-doubt or the unknown origins of our self-sabotage.

It deals with this simple concept: That our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are so enmeshed with each other that it can be very difficult to distinguish which comes first.

SIMPLE, BUT NOT EASY

This concept may be simple to understand, but it’s very difficult to work on. One reason for this is because it can be hard to figure out the difference between thinking and feeling.

Have you ever been in a therapy session, and your therapist asks what you’re feeling – but you answer her with a thinking statement?

Therapist: What are you feeling right now?

You: I think…

That’s a dead giveaway that your therapist is talking about one concept and you’re talking about another concept entirely. And until you are able to figure out which is which, it’s going to be that much harder to make significant progress.

Behaviors are another animal. It’s easy to know what a behavior is. You either do something, or you don’t do something. Period. (Or I guess you can half-ass something.)

WHICH ONE COMES FIRST?

I used to believe that if you could change your thoughts, you’d be able to change your behaviors. I wondered, “How can I do something that I don’t believe in?”

And then I had a conversation that would change how I thought. An acquaintance said it was the opposite: Change your behaviors and your thoughts will follow.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say you want to lose weight, so you go on a diet. You change what you consume (a behavior). If you lose a few pounds, you begin to think, “Hmm, maybe there’s something to this. I think I’ll keep it up for a while. Maybe I’m not a lost cause!” The behavior comes first, and the thoughts follow.

That’s one way to look at it. Here’s another.

You want to go on a diet, but you’re unsure if you can keep it up long enough to lose what you want to lose. You’re not convinced you’ve got what it takes. Eventually, you talk yourself into it by thinking things like this: “I’m going to try to lose some weight.” Or “I bet I can do it!” So you start your diet (a behavior). The thoughts come first, then the behavior.

So, which way is right?

My final answer is this: Does it really matter? Sometimes, it’s best to just do it, while other things require a bit of contemplation first. So maybe it doesn’t matter, as long as it gets done.

If you’re anything like me, you like to have concrete answers to your questions. You overthink things and ask “why?” a lot. But I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s not always helpful, nor is it necessary.

We need to have faith in the process.

WHAT’S MY POINT?

My point is that it’s never too late to regain control over your thoughts, your feelings, or your behaviors.

All it requires is putting the tools into your toolbox and practicing them. You can use them anywhere in the cycle to disrupt the negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you normally have.

Of course, it can take a while to figure out what tools you need. This is where I recommend DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. This type of group therapy gives you the tools you need to take control of your brain before it starts going on that negativity trip you’re so used to.

It will teach you how to stop ruminating, how to express yourself effectively, what to do when extreme emotion sets in, and so much other good stuff. I highly recommend it.

LET’S WRAP IT UP

Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all interrelated. You can’t have one without the others. Even though they are complicated, it is important to know which is which so you can deal with them effectively.

Your mental health toolbox may be lacking in ways to combat the negative whirlwind we get caught up in so often. If that’s the case, and you find yourself floundering on a regular basis, I recommend going to a DBT group. There, you will learn very specific skills to handle both everyday things and the overwhelm of crises.

And believe it or not, you CAN gain control of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It is hard and it takes a lot of practice, but the ability to do so can bring you out of the darkness of depression and anxiety and give you a life worth living.

As always, thanks for reading, Warrior. Happy Holidays!! 😊