So, I haven’t written much in the last two months, and I wanted to let you know that I’m okay.

Exhaustion has crept back into my daily life, which means that I’m too tired to write (I often go take a nap instead). Hell, sometimes, I’m too tired to feed the cats! (But I do – no cat goes hungry in this household.)

Despite some rough patches, 2018 was a pretty decent year. Even Christmas wasn’t too stressful this year, even though CeAnne was sick and had to stay in bed all day, which left me in charge of the turkey, stuffing, and gravy. Thankfully, we had a lot of help in the kitchen, so I was able to delegate the stuffing and the gravy. Whew!

SOBRIETY IN 2018

As I get older, I’ve noticed that I’m making more good decisions than bad ones. I still feel stuck some days, knowing that I *should* be doing yoga or writing or something, yet feeling overwhelmed by the thought and thus staying put on the couch (or taking a nap – a great escape).

Staying sober last year turned out to be a relative piece of cake. A lot of people think that if you quit drinking, you shouldn’t be exposed to it at all. That’s not the case for most of us, because alcohol is a fact of American life. There is no escaping it, although CeAnne tries really hard to protect me from it, which is impossible. I practice “healthy avoidance” instead.

For instance, I don’t go around talking about drinking all the time. I don’t tell funny stories of past drunks or glamorize my drinking; I don’t romanticize it. I also tend not to walk down the beer aisle at the grocery store.

I reached the two-year sobriety milestone in early October, which I’m proud of. Over the past several years, I would make it a few months or more, only to relapse yet again. But in the last two years, I’ve learned a few more things about staying sober.

The most important of those things is to tell my wife when I feel like drinking. That makes it darn near impossible for me to go out and drink, because she won’t let me out of her sight! LOL It also means that I’m taking my sobriety more seriously. I’m not even sure if I had any strong urges to drink last year, did I?

DEPRESSION IN 2018

Depression-wise, it’s been a normal, regularly-scheduled, up-and-down year. The award for my worst year ever goes to 2005, followed closely by 2015. Last year was doable, at least. I don’t think I spent any time in the hospital in 2018, other than a five-hour wait in the psych ER holding tank in the summer. When it finally came time for someone to assess my situation, I had calmed down quite a bit and was no longer in fear for my safety. So they let me go home and all was well.

Yes, I did do another round of TMS, which means that my depression got down to a very visceral level. It was, in fact, on its way further down – which is why I needed an interventional kind of treatment. Normally, TMS actually allows me to feel happiness; and, although this time the TMS didn’t magically make me happy, it did lift my depression.

And I gratefully trudge on.

RECAP

All in all, 2018 wasn’t a bad year. I accomplished my two biggest goals: Staying sober and staying out of the hospital all year (well, okay, except for that five hours). Any day I can do both is a success. For a whole year? That’s a fucking miracle.

Actually, I haven’t stayed in a hospital overnight since May of 2017, and that was only for one night. I think my last multiple-day stay in a psych unit was sometime in 2016, more than two years ago. That’s a modern-day record for me. 🙂

No, I’m serious! LOL

I was able to average four blog posts per month until I slacked off in November and December. Not perfect, but I’m not looking for perfect. On my good days, I understand that perfect does not really exist. Why waste my energy working toward something that is unobtainable? But I think ten straight months of regular content is pretty good.

One of the reasons I didn’t write many blog posts in November was because I took part in National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo. The goal is to write 50,000 words throughout the month, laying the foundation for a fictional work. My personal goal was to write 25,000 words, and I came close – I got to about 21,000. That’s a win for me!

The hardest thing about 2018 is that my wife didn’t feel good most of the year because of her MS. Knowing that she suffers so much and not being able to do anything about it is frustrating. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for her. I’m hoping her infusions will help her feel better soon.

COMING UP FOR 2019

My two biggest and most important goals for 2019 are the same as they were for last year: stay out of the hospital and stay sober. Now that I know it’s possible, I have a little more confidence in my ability to do both. I feel like I have some good momentum going on.

I also have a goal to lose weight. Yes, I know, everyone says that at the beginning of the year! For me, it’s a matter of health. I’m not the best at self-discipline, and I love my carbs (!), but I really need to lose weight. I have a poundage goal, but I’ll take anything I can get. I’ve already lost eight pounds in the last month (how did I lose weight over the holidays?!) and am looking forward to losing more.

Losing weight is an important goal for many reasons. On the one hand, there are all the health implications, and on the other are mental health reasons – if I can get back down to a reasonable weight, I know I will feel better about myself. I will have more confidence, feel less self-conscious, and will feel a great sense of accomplishment.

Back about twelve years ago, I took Lithium for my depression. It worked pretty well, actually, which was a welcome surprise. However, it made me gain weight – 40 pounds within just six months (and it gave me terrible acne!). I just haven’t been able to lose the extra weight. I stopped taking Lithium, under the supervision of my shrink, because at that point, the extra weight and acne were making me depressed again. A few years ago, I was on another med (I can’t remember which one) and gained 15 pounds in two months. I’ve also gained about 20 pounds all on my own over those years.

So, basically, I’ve gained 75 pounds (!) over the last dozen years. I’ve noticed that, as I get older, it’s harder and harder to lose weight, which isn’t fair. My depression and lack of energy keep me from going to the gym or doing much of anything physical, which doesn’t help, either.

BUT this year I have a new attitude, and after losing eight pounds relatively quickly, I feel I have momentum on my side, which is very motivating. So I feel confident that I will be able to lose more. I do have a goal as to how much I’d like to lose, but it is not the end-all, be-all. If I don’t get there, that’ll have to be okay. I’ll take anything I can get. J

I also want to quit smoking this year. I’m kind of in the middle of tapering down on how many cigarettes I smoke each day, as suggested by both my pdoc and my therapist, but it turns out I’m not very good at keeping track of each cigarette I smoke every day. The idea is to cut down the number of smokes by two every three or four days, which I thought would be easy – but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be!

The good news is I’ve quit twice before (both times cold turkey), so I know I can do it. As they say, “Don’t quit quitting!”

My final big goal for this year is to find a regular part-time job, one with little stress. Recent experiences have shown that I do not do well in a high-stress environment or in one where I have a lot of decisions to make. So I’m looking for a part-time data entry gig, where the inputs and outputs are simple and easy to understand. I’ve been looking for a gig regularly for several months now, and the stumbling block I trip on is that everyone wants a full-time employee. I know (and my pdoc and therapist know) that I cannot work full-time – it’s just too much for me to take without sending me into another deep depression. But I would love to have a steady part-time job.

Looking over this list, I just realized that those are five BIG goals for this year. But I’m feeling more confident about the possibilities now than I have in a while, so I’m looking forward to some wins. But, like I said – I’ll take what I can get.

WHAT’S UP FOR YOU IN 2019?

What about you? What kind of goals do you have for this year? Whether you have life-altering plans or like to take things in smaller bites, you can do it. It takes commitment and self-discipline (not two of my strong points), faith in yourself, momentum, good mental health, support, and maybe a little luck, but I’m here to tell you that you are worth it!

I’m not going to tell you how to achieve your goals, but I do know that if you give up, you’ll never reach them. So even on days you feel depressed or anxious or feel like it’s not worth the trouble (read: you’re not worth it), fear not. Every day is a new day, every hour is a new hour. Just don’t give up on yourself!

And no matter what your goal(s) is, don’t let anyone tell you it’s stupid or impossible. This is your life, and you have the right to reach for the stars.

May 2019 bring you good mental health, good physical health, and lots of joy and peace. Let’s make it a transformational year!