Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

 

I’ve been having thoughts of drinking lately and, inevitably, it became an urge one day last week.

I hate it when that happens.

So I did what any normal, healthy, recovering alcoholic would do: I called someone who understands. She talked me down and convinced me that I needed to return to my sobriety support group.

It’s a pretty big deal that I called her before I went out. In the past, I would go get drunk and then call her. So this is a big change, and I’m glad I did it. I did not go out and get obliviated, which means I woke up with a clear head today. No remorse, no regret, I didn’t get arrested, and I didn’t hurt anyone.

Progress, not perfection.

*SHOULD* I STAY OR *SHOULD* I GO?

After thinking about it for a little bit last night, I decided that my friend was right – I did need to go back to my meeting. So I went last Saturday for the first time in over two years.

There were some new faces (actually, quite a few) and there were also plenty of people I recognized. Not all of them recognized me right away, now that I have gray hair, but eventually, they caught on. Even in a room half-full of people I don’t know, I felt perfectly comfortable. I felt like I belonged.

These are my peeps.

For the past 2+ years, I’ve been saying, “Yeah, I *should* really go back to my meeting.” I’ve known it all along. But something kept holding me back. Luckily, I’ve been able to stay sober without a support group all this time (I had 2 ½ years sober last week), but I wouldn’t recommend doing it that way for most people.

There really is power in numbers. This particular support group is one of the healthiest, easy-going groups I’ve ever been a part of. It doesn’t matter to them that I’m a lesbian or that I’m just above the poverty line, or that I’ve relapsed countless times. They welcomed me back with open arms, as they always have.

And the new folks that I didn’t know? They thought I was a newbie and welcomed me to *their* group. I laughed! I’m like, “Yeah, I haven’t been here in a couple of years, but I was a regular here for, oh, about eight years!” And they said, “Well, welcome back, then!” and all was good.

Why is it so hard to do the right thing?

I’ve been *should*-ing all over myself about going back all this time. And where has it gotten me? Nowhere. In fact, all it does when I *should* myself is create guilt, which – believe me – I don’t need any more of, thankyouverymuch.

Do yourself a favor: Don’t *should* on yourself. “Shoulda, coulda, wish I woulda” gets you absolutely nowhere. It takes you out of the moment and places doubt in your head. One thing I’ve learned in life is to never second-guess yourself.

THE NEXT RIGHT THING

It may seem like it’s just a matter of semantics, but your words make a difference – especially the words we use regarding ourselves.

When I say I *should* have done something, I am implying that I made a mistake. I’m saying I did the wrong thing. In reality, I believe that everything happens for a reason and that we learn from our mistakes.

I don’t believe in regrets. All those do is fill your heart and mind with ugliness and self-loathing. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need that shit. There are times when I wonder what would have happened if I had [fill in the blank]. But that’s no good, either. That also takes me away from the now and places me in the past, left to make sense out of something that may not have even made sense in the first place.

Does that make sense? LOL

If we just did the next right thing every time, we would avoid a lot of trouble. Of course, it would also mean that we’re perfect, and we already know that “perfect” is an illusion.

So we do the best we can. Sometimes we win, other times we lose. Sometimes we do things we know are not the best things for us simply because we can, or we’re curious, or we feel rebellious. That’s going to happen from time to time, because we’re human. We are curious creatures.

The trouble comes when we start to obsess over what we *should have* done instead. Why kick yourself when you’re down? That’s a good question, and I’m not so sure there’s an answer. I think that sometimes, it feels better to be sliding backward than to be standing still, afraid to move. Maybe that’s not the right way to think about it, but there it is.

FINAL THOUGHTS

When you *should* on yourself, you’re judging yourself. I know, I know – we all do it. But, really, what good does it do? We’re constantly told not to judge others, and that’s a good philosophy. But the same goes for judging ourselves. When we do that, we’re stuck feeling “less than” or like all we do is make things worse – for ourselves and for others.

So try not to judge yourself. Try not to *should* on youself. Try to move beyond the feelings of “what if I had done this instead of that” or “what should I do next?” Just take the next step, then the next, and follow your gut.

Your gut knows what to do.

Keep it Real, folks!